I wish I have the answers. I wish that I may have the reasons why. I’m used to day by day life of eating and spending days by myself or in some occasions, with a few good friends. I’m used to waking up checking my phone without expecting anyone to greet me a good day or even a good night. Spending weekends at home, watching any good movies, binge-watching Netflix’s series, browsing through my feeds and read anything that maybe of good interest. Yes, maybe I’m used to being alone. Maybe I get used to all of these for almost six years now.
Bold, fearless and unguarded. I see all things in different colors, hue, and tone. I love the sound of people chatting around the restaurants, good noise of busy streets, crowd getting loud with music and food, going out at different places and breathing in a fresh breeze of pine trees in a cold summer morning. I always wanted to see and experience what life has to offer. I love the randomness of life and live with it.
I know what’s my value and worth, I know how loved I am for being me without any ounce of false pretenses. I know how I am being taken good care of, how I became important and how it feels like to know you are deserving and worthy of someone else’s love, effort, and affection. I know how this thing feels like. How it made your heart skipped a beat, how you want to scream your lungs out loud, how you can’t stop your eyes from crying from tears of joy and how you want this to last for forevermore. But that was me before and that was all six years ago.
Maybe I am meant to spend my lifetime all by myself, getting used to people’s “hi” and “bye”. Maybe life knows that I can handle this kind of feeling of being comfortably alone than the others. Don’t get me wrong. I am not lost. I am not also struggling on moving on and getting over it. I am just trying to figure out what life has in store for me. Maybe life taught me for earlier years how to survive and cling to the power of faith with my best of abilities. Maybe life is a bit tougher to me than anyone else, as I see it. Scrolling through my feeds and seeing friends who get engaged, get married and starting to have their own family made me ask myself when will I finally have the turn for this? And this question terrifies me. This question made my heart break for nth folds already. This has caused me some sleepless nights listening to mellow music and trying hard enough to catch up sleep. It’s been almost six years and this question remains clinging on my chest or maybe it will never have answers anymore. I’m on the edge of keeping my hope, the littlest life of hope that’s inside me or I shall give up and accept the truth that this isn’t what life has to offer.
Maybe I will always be the one that’s left behind. Maybe I am meant for working hard enough to get to that career that I am dreaming of, maybe I am just a person who will always be there to listen to all the thoughts and reveries of those who needs me, maybe I am just the one who will only witness how people finally found their happily ever after, maybe that’s what I am. I am not meant to find someone who will love me for who and what I am, that I’ll never find the one who says that their search is finally over. Maybe I am not meant to wake up next to someone who will smile and softly whisper “I love you”. I want to stop these maybes. I want to stop those what ifs and I’m praying hard enough for what is.
Few months left as I close another year again with this same question for myself. All these years, I know within that I am too tired of waiting, hoping and expecting that something will turn out beautifully different and that maybe, this is finally for me. So now, I want this year to be the last time I’ll going to ask myself.
If this love isn’t for me, then I don’t know what it is.