I’ve been living this life of somewhere in between and I couldn’t even express the feeling of what is inside this betweenness. I don’t know where I am exactly. It isn’t about the place, the exact location and point, not even a landmark. But it is about where my life stands right now, where I am belong, where I am going or where I am really supposed to be.
I am not sad. I am not happy either. I just don’t know where I am standing between it. Sometimes the sadness overwhelmed me and random thoughts and reveries creeps in. I don’t even know how I am able to bear this kind of dwelling — of not knowing what to feel. There are days where happiness seems nowhere to be found and I could not figure out well if it still exist — if it will ever happen to me or if I will be able to find it again.
It feels like just wandering, it feels like searching sometimes. It feels like being caught in a place where you don’t even know what you are actually looking for, you don’t even know what you are seeing — whether it is a piece of reality or just a taste of things you are dreaming of. But I don’t know where I am in between. Like I am just watching the time telling me how it will unfold things out. I am just trying to contemplate how the broken and lost pieces of mine be able to find a way back and build themselves once more or possibly, even for the last time.
I don’t know if feeling more or less will even matter. I can’t tell if wanting more, needing more and bearing more will make a total difference on how this life will treat you. I don’t know if looking for more and sharing more will lead you to pieces of answers you are trying to find out. And if feeling less will save you, then I want it better. Less of pain, less of breaking, less questions, less doubts, less of what it could have been and should have been. Less of what ifs and what’s next. But I don’t know where I am in between. The more and less, it is really confusing.
The uncertainties and certainties are all I need, but I am both afraid of it, I know so well that I am frightened about it. But I am found left hanging on between them. I am found looking for clarity and yet I am deep down scared of knowing what the real is. I am in the comfort of better not knowing and at the same time thinking that finding out is the next best thing. I don’t want to give up but I don’t want to hold on anymore either. It is like as if I am torn in between of fighting for what I know I deserve and giving up because I know too that I had enough- enough of wasted time and effort. You cannot even tell if there are still things that you hold on to but you are also not even sure what you will have in the end if you let go. So you just keep yourself in between.
It is as if I am in a loop circling in confusion. It feels like you are standing between the beginning and the end and you can’t tell which is which. You don’t even know which is better, where you are exactly needed or supposed to be. It is magical in the beginning when you started to feel things like it is new. And in the same way, it also causes you an unexplainable emotion and indescribable feelings because you know how it feels like when it is about to end. Some beginnings are made beautifully so it is justifiable when endings are about to take place. And sometimes there are also loose endings so in the beginning, things will start the way it is meant to be. But I don’t know where I am standing in between of them. There are times I thought I am at the beginning but I am caught unguarded towards the ending, and there are thoughts of endings but it was just the beginning after all. The cycles just repeats, just reverses, just going.
I am in between the hands of time, in between the tick of seconds, minutes and hours. Each passing time keeps me reminded of how long I am living this life of betweenness and one day, I hope when I look out and see myself, I can figure out where I am — distinctively and precisely, someone who always have faith that in the chaos of confusion, still, the world is a better place.