To The One I Could Have Loved

shallow focus photography of man and woman looking down from mountain
João Silas / Unsplash

I am trying to figure it out. My mind became a battlefield the moment you left and went away without even bothering to say any single word. So I was left clueless, I was there left guessing.

I almost loved you. I am almost getting there— getting the feeling of those butterflies in my stomach, getting the feeling of the warmth that I have longed for years. I almost feel that finally my search is over and at last, love found me.

I found myself staying late at night just to talk to you, even myself couldn’t understand why I was doing it, why I was putting such effort and time. I can’t believe that the universe allowed me to meet you. Being with you under the same skies and stars and breathing air in the same place was truly magical. I asked myself once again, Is this what they called the one? Is this what they called love? Is this what they called fate? Is this what they called a happily ever after? Because whatever it is, I am almost getting to know what is.

For the past years, I thought I was not capable to bear the feeling of loving again or at least experience how it is being held once more, being seated next to someone you like the most. I thought I would no longer hold a hand and feel its tenderness, I thought I would never have the chance but suddenly you came. You came at the most unexpected time and moment— when I was not even looking or even searching. Your appearance seemed like the normal life’s randomness but I never thought you would leave such a great impact on my innermost self.

I just hoped you’d never held my hand. I hoped you’d never let me feel the affection of your embrace. I hoped you’d never look me in the eyes for a couple of seconds. I hoped I’d never hear your voice and laugh with you in the middle of the night. I hoped that I’d never wanted to see you. I hoped I’d never cling to that feeling that I am almost there because I cannot eradicate the fact that it is what I exactly longed for, honestly, what I once dreamed of. If only I could stop time and keep it still, I will choose to be there and stay in that moment ceaselessly.

But anyway, thank you. Thank you for giving me that chance to know that I am still capable of loving, I am still able to feel, that I am still a human because my heart still beats. Thank you for leaving this sooner, too, because surely letting you go would be difficult if you stayed any longer, any further.

I know I needed to stop wondering. I needed to stop looking for answers or should I say stop myself seeking clarity. Maybe, this time is not yet for me. Maybe. TC mark

More From Thought Catalog

Never give up hope.

How do you come back from your lowest point? How do you drag yourself out of that black hole of nothingness that has consumed your life? For me, being diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa wasn’t easy. I now believe that if I can manage this skin condition, I can do anything.

Be Strong
To The One I Could Have Loved is cataloged in , ,