The Feeling Of Losing Yourself Unknowingly

woman lying on brown plank
ActionVance / Unsplash

The moment I went out of the door made me realize that this isn’t me. For years of fighting the battles of life, I never recognized that unknowingly, I left my truest self somewhere else— cold, alone, waiting to be found and be saved.

This isn’t me. I have been living with a total different perspective and views of life. It feels like you are breathing in a foreign world where no one knows you, as if you are not familiar with your things and surroundings, you always have the fear of being lost and misrouted. It seems like unfamiliar pathways always welcomes your way.

I’m wondering where my truest self is. I hope I can bump into her at the coffee shop and have the chance to ask her how she is, how she’s doing lately and how her life is. I hope I can cross paths with her at the busy street of the Central Business District and ask her how her work is going, what her next project for her team is, or where she plans to go on weekend. I hope I can find her at the beachfront enjoying the little waves of the sea as it crashes on her feet and never minding the heat of the summer skies. Maybe I am hoping to see her at home and waiting for her mom to finish her favorite cooked meal after a long tiring day at work or maybe I can find her at her room, lying comfortably while enjoying her best playlist with her earphones on singing her heart out loud even if she’s out of tune.

I am hoping one day, I’ll be able to meet her again. It’s never my intention to let her lost, I never wanted to in the first place. Sometimes, when the battle of life seems hard and unimaginably conquering, we left the pieces of ourselves on those battles leaving us in the end deficient and from that point in time that’s when you start to lose yourself, that’s when you begin to lose piece by piece— discreetly and unnoticeably.

But more than this, I thank the universe that I can still feel the hope, this diminutive flickering light of hope within my innermost being whispering at me saying that I should in no way give up and persist striving. It’s constantly reminding me that there are endless possibilities in life and one day, who knows you’ll wake up and feel that you are again lastly at home— with the arms that feels the same years ago, with the touch of the hand on your face that seems like the familiar warmth you longed for, the eyes you see in the mirror will one day tell you…

“Welcome self, finally I found you.” TC mark

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