I Know Now That You Were Never Really Mine

i know now that you were never mine
Allef Vinicius

I think if you read this, you’ll know – you’re you.

You with your infectious smile and great eyes. You, the only man I’ve been with to truly just made me feel like a sexy, wanted woman. Your love of life and your loyalty to those whom you love was both endearing and made me want you more.  You oozed positivity and it was intoxicating. I truly couldn’t get enough, even though you never knew.

When I met you, I was broken, mistrustful and most importantly, I wasn’t open to letting anyone in – even you with your infectious smile and aura of positivity.

I didn’t think (and maybe still don’t think) I deserve a healthy, exciting, loving relationship.

Why? I wish I knew.

I wish I could have let you in. Let you know me. Let you see me vulnerable. Let me show you how much I cared.

That night, the night that ruined everything. Maybe it wasn’t that night that ruined everything, I think it was me not letting you into my life that truly ruined it. But that night, that night I was looking for a fight. I was upset, I was hurting, and I wanted to feel something – anything. I didn’t care about your feelings because the pain, and sadness I was feeling outweighed everything in that moment. For that, I truly am sorry. I’m sorry for letting my feelings escape me like that. For looking a fight, I knew would blow everything up.  I’m sorry, for thinking I didn’t deserve you. For treating you as someone who I didn’t deserve and behaving like someone who didn’t deserve you.

But you gave up. Maybe you couldn’t see I was hurting, or maybe you just didn’t care. It was too much for you. You didn’t deserve the way I treated you, but you gave up and moved on so quickly. You shut the door, and threw away the key before I could catch a breath. Maybe, for you, second chances aren’t a thing. Maybe, for you, because of your past, you were scared I would do the same things those others had done. Here’s the thing about me, I’m fiercely loyal, maybe even to a fault. Those I care for, I would do anything for. I love deeply, but my emotions, often, get the better of me.

You said you never felt close to me.

You flip flopped.

I left your house and cried.

That last day, you broke me. I needed you. You couldn’t be there for me because maybe you to were afraid. Or, maybe you had already moved on. I didn’t listen to you, I didn’t want to hear you. I only wanted you listen to me, I see now how selfish that was.

I’m not perfect, but neither are you. You were never mine, but I could have been yours. TC mark

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