I’m Done Apologizing For Being Single

Why is it that when I fill out a survey about my McDonalds experience in an effort to win free greasy food for life, they need to know my relationship status before I even have the chance to voice my unhappiness about the toy selection in my Chicken Nugget Kid’s Meal? While it is probably to factor how many fast food calories myself and a potential significant other could consume in our lifetime if I were to win the contest, I can’t help but sit here and think that there is some person sitting behind a computer screen judging the fact that I prefer a Minion toy that sounds like it is swearing when you walk by it verses Charlie Brown that just bobbles his head at me. Also the fact that this unpaid, jerk of an intern is probably judging the fact that I am 28 and “never been married/singe”.

Single-shaming is a terrible, unjust act that happens every single day to the fabulous single people of the world.

Single-shaming is a judgement move that can happen at any time and in any place. Family members have voiced their concerns over why you haven’t had a man over to the house for Thanksgiving dinner since 2006. You run into yet another shallow drunk high school frienemy that flaunts her snot-nosed children’s Christmas photos in your face and questions multiple times how is your love life or lack thereof. Even complete strangers asking you were is your husband when you simply asked where the milk was in the grocery store.

If you have experienced anything similar to these occurrences, I am sorry to tell you, you were shamed for being single.

This is where were I would like to begin to educate the “taken” people of the world and give you some friendly advice. There is this terrible stigma about single people. As if they are a sad puppy from a Sarah Mclachlan commercial that will never find love. While I know you might find this hard to believe, but maybe the poor, helpless single people of the world are happy being single. Take into consideration why they might be that way.

Maybe their ex just left them for a stripper, leaving them lost, confused and fearing glitter and thongs. Maybe their last fling ended up being a serial killer, so they are taking time to reevaluate the choices that they make in men. Maybe they are saving themselves for the current season of the Bachelor. Whatever the case may be, please take into consideration the statements that have been said below and what NOT to say to a single person.

I can not count how many times I have heard: Why don’t you join a dating website? If I wanted to join a website to meet awkward strangers like myself for adult beverages, I would sign up for a Harry Potter fan site before I join a dating site. I would prefer to meet a man organically and have built up in my mind the perfect meet-cute. I am browsing in a book store, Frank Sinatra is on the radio and we bump into each other at the discount DVD grabbing for the same collection, The Office Season 4. That is when we giggle over Jim and Pam finally getting married, and then I am asked for coffee where we discuss books, music and our love of videos of cats being scared by cucumbers.

Realistically, probably not going to happen since book stores and men who read are non-existent, but there is hope. Either way, do not tell a single person that they need to join a dating site because your third cousin’s twice removed best friend’s uncle met someone on there and they have been seriously dating for two months.

Every time I get “the look” and hear: You are such a great girl.. I just don’t understand why you are single.. I want to scream, “FING RIGHT I AM! Now stop telling me this garbage and let’s discuss the Teen Mom”. I find it hard to believe myself, but the thing is, I don’t have to be single. I CHOOSE to be single.

On the regular, I have at least one ex-dipshit that I have dated in the past contacting me that they made the biggest mistake of their life losing me, they can see themselves marrying me, blah blah blah I am raging idiot who had one too many Bud Lights. Dandy for you sir, maybe you should have tried harder the second, third or, twenty-fifth chance you had, but not going to happen again unless pigs learn how to fly to the moon and back while wearing Elvis costumes and singing “It’s Raining Men”. Also on the regular, “men” ask me out, but also “men” think that “Netflix and Chill” is what a date is considered nowadays. Sad but true, I have more men ask to sleep with me then actually ask me on a proper date.

And my favorite question of all, “Don’t you think it is time to settle down?” Where I let sarcasm get the best of me, “Nope. I would love to be alone forever”. While it would be lovely to settle down with a man that can keep it in his pants for one woman and that one woman is me or a man that could focus his attention me for longer than two weeks without disappearing, I have yet to find such a man. I have “boyfriend/girlfriend” rules/boundaries that most men chose to ignore or disappear shortly after they are presented because they want all of the perks of a relationship, but not the label to it. I will not apologize for my “high” standards, because if a guy really wants to be in my life, he will rise to meet them.

While you may have settled on your taken lifestyle, I am not willing to do so with mine. If you would like me to seriously consider settling down, please present me with a man that I do not have to “settle” for. Until then, settle your own ass down with the single-shaming questions.

So to all of the “taken” people out there, leave us single people alone to do our own single thing. If we want to date, we will. If we want to “Netflix and chill”, we will. If we want to join a convent and become a nun, we will.

There is no need for the judgement, no need for the sadness, no need for hostility. We were happy go lucky until you came waving your finger around telling us that we should feel bad about ourselves and they relationships are the root of happiness. Not all relationships are a bed of roses, so do not be a thorn in our side and tell us that they are. We don’t voice our concerns on how your child is a reckless little human being that should be kept in a cage like a wild animal or that your husband’s back looks like Chewbacca. We don’t voice our judgements on your “perfect” taken life, so you don’t voice your judgements on our fabulous single life. Don’t shame me for being single, happy and free.