Tis the season where all single ladies want to do nothing but settle into feetie Christmas pajamas with a flask full of egg nog, a plate full of Christmas cookies and curse Santa for not putting a delicious hunk of man under your Christmas tree last year. Other than the dreaded fat man in a diaper with a bow and arrow “holiday”, the next few weeks can be a traumatizing time for a single lady. Do not fear my lady friends, we can get through this together, no “fake boyfriends of in Bora Bora doing work for the peace core and he couldn’t come home for the holiday, but sends his love” required.
1. Do not stress! You are single, so what?! It is a status, not a death sentence. Stress will do nothing but introduce you to Jack Daniels and give you wrinkles. Put that extra energy and frustration towards doing something fun! Pinterest some fun craft ideas to decorate the house, hunt for some creative Christmas presents, or hell dress your pets up as Santa and his reindeer (While that extremely shows your single status, it would be adorable!).
2. Merry Christmas! The shitter is full! Load up on the Christmas movies that will make you laugh and not cause you to have a nervous break down. There are some Christmas movies that make you want to rip your own heart out and throw it at Nicholas Sparks for ruining your definition of love (like The Holiday or Love Actually), those Christmas movies are not for you. What you need is some National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation in your life! Followed up by a marathon of A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and the Harry Potter series! (Let’s be real, Harry Potter can work at any occasion.)
3. Hide the Christmas cookies. One and done. Okay maybe two. Before you know it you are going to be in yoga pants with the entire carton of milk, devouring the whole mother load of sweets that your grandmother gave you. Just think, you can become best friends with all the neighborhood squirrels if you just get the cookies out of the house! It is easy to eat your feelings and let your stress get the best of you, but do not let it get the best of your waistline Miss Claus.
4. Prepare for the questions. “How can a girl like you STILL be single?”, “When are you going to settle down?”, “Why don’t you let me set you up with my gynecologist?”, “When am I going to have grandbabies?!”, “You know you aren’t getting any younger right?” You know they are coming; From your family, friends even people you haven’t seen in 10 years that you are friends with on Facebook and know well enough that you are single, but they have to make a point that they have been married for 7 years with 3 ugly snot-nosed, large-headed children and you are still single. It’s cool you got this. Just remind them that while they are so lucky to have settled on the life that they have, you my friend are just a little bit luckier, because can do whatever the hell you would like to do with your life, whenever and wherever you would like to. No rugrat or dopey-eyed husband trailing behind you.
5. Stock up on the Eggnog and have your designated driver on speed dial. Let’s be real, even the gorgeous Jennifer Aniston probably had a few adult beverages over the years when she was hit with those questions. You my friend deserve it! Just remember, have a friend on call to pick your tipsy butt up and do not over do it! No one needs to see you sloppy and single, that is just a hot mess. So thank baby Jesus for being born and the creation for adult beverages!
6. Treat yo self! As Donna and Tom do on Parks and Rec, treat yo self! Go get pampered! Go get your hair done, your nails did, buy yourself an outfit, do up the works Pretty Woman style! (Don’t get confused, this is after the hooker moment, when she is looking like a classy young woman.) Right now you just have to take a moment to feel good about yourself. Take a break from the holiday shopping and enjoy some time to feel good about you.
7. Girls Night. Call up the girls, get the wine ready and celebrate being single with your lady friends! Every girl is nothing without her girlfriends. Enjoy getting to spend some extra time with them and talking trash on the terrible men in the world. (Really it is like a normal Saturday night, just some Christmas decorations are involved)
8. Spoil yourself. It’s not like you have a boyfriend to buy a present for.. You know you have that extra cash.. And I am not talking about socks since all of yours have a hole in them, I am talking about a gift! Something you can open on Christmas morning and be so happy with yourself, because no man would ever be so creative to get you something like that! This is a once in a year thing, so do it up right.
9. Do something good. So the holiday has you feeling lonely and down about yourself? Take some time and volunteer at the soup kitchen or animal shelter. Unlike your ex-boyfriend, these people/animals would love to be around you! Nothing will make you feel better than knowing you are giving your time, energy and love to someone out there who needs it more in the world than a dipshit of a man you used to date.
10. Put yourself on a pedestal! You may not feel like you deserve to be up so high, but you do. You are giving yourself the best Christmas present possible and that is not settling. Most people would latch on to anything that walks for the holidays just so they do not have to be alone, but you my friend are not one of those people. You are breaking the mold, you are setting the bar high and you are telling Santa to screw off, you don’t need a man this year!