Listen fellas, we get it. Dating a woman can be challenging, intimidating and quite confusing. While we do change our minds more than we change our shoes, women are basic creatures with basic needs. If you would like to date us, it is fairly simple. Never fear, here are some simple and easy tips to winning over a woman:
1. Really sad that this has to be rule number one, but never bring a woman with you when you are meeting a potential girlfriend for the first time. Whether it is just a “meet up” to make sure the girl isn’t bat shit crazy or an actual date, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU ARE MEETING. It is always good to have back up plan if things go wrong and this girl turns out to be off her rocker, but it is not okay to make an awkward situation ten times more awkward than it has to be.
Doesn’t matter if it is your best friend that you have known since you were two years old and she has seen your running around naked (when you were a toddler, not now). You cannot bring a woman to meet another woman and think it is going to work out in your favor. From personal experience, it is going to end like an episode of Jerry Springer and you are going to get nothing but a black eye and blue balls, so think twice about bringing female counterparts on a first date.
2. Don’t be late. Women put in a lot of work to their date night looks – She has to find an outfit that hides her muffin top, while accentuating her boobs, tame her hair so it doesn’t look like Cher’s circa 1980 or Simba from the Lion King and she has to perfect her make up so it looks like she naturally has massive, fake Kardashian lips.
You could be Superman saving a little old lady from getting hit by a bus at Walmart, but you are losing points for every minute that you are late because you have left her sitting at happy hour sipping on martinis making her nervous that you are standing her up. Don’t be surprised if she drunkenly slaps you and screams a Taylor Swift song at you as she is stumbling out the door. Be on time or be embarrassed.
3. Don’t disappear. Whoever came up with these “dating rules” that you can’t call for three days after a date is an idiot. Sorry Ab Lincoln, George Clooney or whatever man that decided to pass this rule along to the male species, but seriously games are overacted. Here is a little reminder, YOU ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE. You like her, call her, no time limit needed.
Do not think you are this mysterious creature that is making her wonder about you. Reality is she is sitting at home with her new boyfriends, Ben and Jerry wondering if you were eaten by a shark because there is no other reason for you not to be calling her for another date. Do us a favor, tone down your ego for a few minutes and pick up the phone.
4. Do not rush. 62% of the time women are the ones to rush the relationship, but there are some men out there that are already creating a budget for strippers at the Bachelor party. Pump your break bro! Relationships should be a like a crockpot, not a deep fryer, you have to give it some time to marinate and develop into something.
You don’t want it to turn out like Britney Spears with 48 hour Vegas wedding with a man that no one can remember. Be that guy she wants to remember for good reasons, not that guy that proposed on the second date at mini golf over a hot fudge sundae with a Walmart ring.
5. Don’t be a douche. I know that sounds a little broad, but don’t be a rude to your new hunny. This is a woman you just started dating, not one of your buddies. Don’t blow her off for Beer/Wings night at Hooters an hour before you are supposed to go to the One Direction show.
While everyone on planet Earth would agree that beer and wings sound more appealing, you are a douche if you blow her off at the last minute, so fill up your flask and drink every time it looks like Harry Styles is going to rip his skinny jeans.
6. Show some concern for her life. While you might not care that her new hair cut makes her look like a tricked out Miley Cyrus even though she asked for Jennifer Lawrence post Hunger Games, listening to this hair dilemma will win you some points. It should not be shocking for her when you actually remember something that is happening in her life or when you actually listen to a story she has.
You chose to date her, so now you have to make some effort if you want to have someone to eat at Applebee’s with you. Let’s face it, no one wants to eat alone at Applebee’s.
7. Learn her personality. Before you go off making fun of her minion collection or telling her that you are spending your night with all of your Tinder girlfriends, make sure you and her are on the same page with sense of humor. There is a difference between being rude and poking fun at each other.
If she can make fun of herself for making a drinking game out of Donald Trump interrupting candidates with insults during the Republican Debate, she might take it as an insult that you are being rude about it and that you don’t know what fun is. Don’t push her buttons too much, otherwise you will again end up with a black eye and blue balls.
8. Don’t lie. We respect honesty, especially when you are given the chance to be honest. Example: You blow her off on a Friday night at 10PM and you say, “I am so tired, I am going to bed.” In reality, you “liked” something she posted earlier in the day at 3AM. You two just started dating/talking/snap chatting, so she has no real reason to be mad at you over something that small.
Yet, you two just started this snap chat love affair and you sir are already lying either about your plans for the evening, your social media obsession that keeps you up at all hours of the night or that you sleep walk like Will Ferrell in Step Brothers and randomly “like” things on social media. Frankly, women would rather risk their life with a sleep walker who could potentially kill them in their sleep than have to deal with a liar, so try being honest.
9. Put your swiping finger down and delete your Tinder. You have someone right in front of you that is willing to go to Sheetz with you in the middle of the night when you are in the mood for Fried Pickles, why do you need to keep creeping on local eye candy/garbage in the area to see if they would do the same?
Also, please do not use the excuse that you are keeping your Tinder so that you can, “Like whatever she posts on there..” If you are serious about taking a chance with this girl, even if it has only been a few dates, you will give your swiping finger a break and give that extra attention to your new girl.
10. Don’t make her ask where you stand. We are not looking for a Tiffany’s wedding ring and a high class Vegas wedding with an Elvis impersonator on the first date. We would just like to know where we stand after a month so we are not questioning why the relationship has gone from a few fun dates to a midnight “sleep over” text in the matter of a week.
If you do something like this, brace yourself for that awkward conversation of, “Are we happy go lucky dating each other or have I just turned into the random girl you like to text at midnight when you are drunk and want to cuddle with while watching terrible Will Ferrell movies?”
If you are in contact with her every day, no matter if it is a text saying that Good Morning Sunshine or a snap chat of your bed head, she is going to get the impression that you on the right track to dating and you will be Facebook exclusive in no time. If you are not ready for that, pump the breaks, take her to the zoo where she will be happy looking at the monkeys for at least ten minutes, then break her heart.
At least do it in an area where you cannot be pushed into a cage with an animal. Remember, honesty is the best policy, even if you get a black eye for it.