10 Reasons Why The Only Male You Should Chase Is Your Dog

Shutterstock / Irina Bg
Shutterstock / Irina Bg

The laws of nature dictate that a male should pursue a female, not the other way around. If you find yourself in a situation where you are doing the chasing and it is not a dog, then all signs say he is NOT the guy for you. Here is why:

1. Think of a dog as a gym membership, whereas a man that you have to pursue is a liquor store frequent buyer card.
Let’s face it—chasing after your dog will be the best workout you have ever had. Unless you have a wiener dog, your dog is going to outrun you and every idiot that you have dated. Keeping up with that furry little friend is going to keep you in better shape than running after an idiot who will not only have you chasing after him, he will have you chasing shots with all the confusing mind games he is playing. Working out always beats a trip to Taco Bell to nurse that hangover.

2. Puppy butts are cuter than a man’s rear to look at.
Unless you are running after that fine piece of country butt Luke Bryan, you have nothing really to look at other than the idiot you are chasing after. Before you know it, you are going to trip and fall into shark-infested water, because this man you are chasing is going to have you going through an obstacle course like on Survivor to see what you will do for him while he’s giving you nothing in return. Stick with a puppy butt and you will never have to be hightailing it from the cops or falling flat on your face.

3. Your dog is happy to see you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
The man you are chasing is only happy to see if you if you have pizza, beer, or your boobs in your hands. Even if you are the meanest person on the face of the Earth and give your dog a dreaded bath, he is the happiest little devil after because he still gets to be with you—no treats or play time necessary. If the man you are chasing requires you to come to him topless with food in one hand and a beverage in the other to make him happy, he is not the man for you. There should be no checklist of what is needed to make a man happy – You should be enough to make him happy. With that being said, your dog thinks you are enough!

4. Your dog is sitting at home waiting to hang out with you, while the man you are chasing is at the strip club looking for his next STD and his new Sugar Mama.
If that man is not calling, texting, emailing, Skyping, or even Snapchatting you to make an attempt to hang out with you on the regular, move on. You shouldn’t have to chase him down to pencil some time into his “busy schedule” to see you. If a guy wants to see you, he will make the time to see you. Your dog is taking time out of his napping schedule to hang out with you; your man can do the same.

5. A dog is always fighting for your attention, while the man you are chasing is swiping on Tinder to see what girl he can get to chase him next.
Dogs and men are similar in this case—always wanting attention—but a dog is simple and just wants your attention. A man wants to have the attention of multiple women to over compensate for his physical shortcomings in the boudoir. You do not want that kind of attention from a man, so stop chasing that type of man and give that extra attention to a little furball.

6. You only have to call a dog once and they come running.
A man you can call, text, email, Snapchat, Tweet, Facebook, and you may be lucky if they send a message back saying, “Hey sorry I just saw you called me two weeks ago.” If you physically have to stand completely naked in front of a man to grab his attention, he is not the guy for you. Again, if a man wants to talk to you, he is never too busy to make it happen. Watch He’s Just Not That Into You again, but this time without your box of wine and take notes if you must to get that message through your pretty little head.

7. Dogs like to cuddle; men do not.
The man you are chasing will cuddle for a while, but when it comes to down to it, he would prefer to fork rather than spoon. You are just the appetizer and he needs you to get out before he can move on to the main course, Grade A stripper meat. A dog is not going to deny your cuddling or kick you out of bed, so replace your cuddle buddy with someone a little furrier (And I don’t mean a hairy man—gross).

8. Your dog is never going to lie to you.
The man you are trotting after probably just lied about what he had for lunch today. A dog is never going to say he spent the night at his friend’s house when in reality he was getting himself a new girlfriend at the dive bar down the street and spent the night with her in his mom’s basement (because that is where he still lives). The man you are chasing is programmed to lie, otherwise how would he be able to stay out past curfew? (Remember, still lives in his mom’s basement). Invest in a little cutie that will never lie to you. He may steal your lunch from you, but he will never lie about it.

9. Dogs will never cheat on you.
Your dog is never going to come to you and say that he needs to make an appearance on Maury because he may be a baby daddy. A man you have to chase is like the game of Monopoly; he is never going to put all of his money down on your property, because he wants to have options to move his “piece” around. You are Boardwalk and he is still dipping into the ghetto of Baltic Avenue (The cheap, purple properties that are right next to “Go” that everyone buys first because they are easy). A dog is going to invest all of their puppy love into you, so roll the dice on the right male.

10. Your dog will add years to your life and save your liver.
This man you are chasing will give you nothing but puffy eyes and a massive waistline. A dog is simple and to the point—I want your love, I want your attention, and I want to be around you, while keeping you laughing and making you feel loved. If a man is not acting the same way with you and driving you to the point of crying/drinking all the time because you can’t wrap your head around the fact that he has not made it known that he wants to be your boyfriend, then that is when you put down the bottle of tequila, sober up and tell him adios! (Don’t do it under the influence; otherwise you will end up professing your love, taking off your clothes or both…either way not classy, amiga). Your pup will show you the love you deserve until the right man shows up, and then you will have two men to share that love and wrinkle-free face with!

If he wants to be with you he will make it known; there will be no questioning it. As disappointing as it may be to come to this realization, it much better off to realize it before you have run the full marathon and at the finish line all you have is a broken heart and a massive hangover. Lace up your running shoes and go for a run with your dog, because you are done chasing after a man that doesn’t realize how simply fabulous you truly are!

Disclaimer: These generalized statements about men are about a specific type of men: Idiots that require women to chase after them for some ego-boosting attention. Men—if you are offended by anything that has been said, realize that you fall under that category that is has been described above and I hope you fix the mistakes that you have made. If you do not fix those mistakes, godspeed and I hope that you do not lose your penis because of the error of your ways (whether that be because of an ex-girlfriend’s revenge or a disease you acquired from a stripper). TC mark

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