A majority of the people on Tinder are confused as to why they are using the app in the first place.
I have investigated this odd app for many weeks, swiping right to every man until my fingers have cramped up and my phone battery has drained, even potential finding my own man friend (who knows he could be Hannibal Lecter—stay tuned for that post), all as research to advise the male population as to what they are doing wrong on Tinder.
Gentlemen, please take vigorous notes and update your profiles immediately. Ladies, please grab a glass of wine while you are nodding your head in agreement and having a little chuckle over all the things you have seen men do wrong on Tinder.
Let the swiping game begin:
Rule #1: SHOWER!
You would think that is rocket science, but keep in mind that your picture is the first thing a woman will see. It is unbelievable how many times men have come across that screen and you think, “Wow a barn animal probably smells better than him right now.” If you would like to have a girlfriend that has good hygiene, then you have to work on your own hygiene—or at least give the impression that you do in a photo. Just keep in mind gentlemen, grooming is a GOOD thing.
Rule #2. Try not to look like a serial killer.
Smiling is a good thing; smiling will make you friends, smiling actually boosts your mood and makes you feel good—test it out once in a while and see for yourself. Evil eyes with a mean mug is not going to get you far in the dating world unless she is Satan’s mistress. The only reason a woman would swipe right to a man that looks like a serial killer is if she is looking for someone to seek revenge on her jerk of a boss or baby daddy. Therefore, put down your weapons and SMILE!
Rule #3: Sweet baby Jesus, do not take a mirror selfie.
We live in a shallow world where cell phones are now built with the capabilities to take a photo while looking at yourself. It is a really easy concept, pull out the owner’s manual and learn because right now you look like you are stuck in the MySpace era. Another shocking idea, have someone take a picture of you. No need to dress up like Bradley Cooper and pretend it is a GQ magazine cover, all you have to do is smile and call it a day. If you do not like those options and you are still living in the day and age of the flip phone requiring you to take a mirror selfie, then all that we ask is you to do is make sure the photo looks good. Clean the mirror so that it is not covered in shaving cream or has water splashed all over it from when you were playing with your rubber ducky in the bath tub, make sure whatever is in the room behind you is clean and that your Playboys are not out in the open and here is the big one, make sure you have pants on and the refection is not showing your bare bottom. You butt will be screen shot and you will be the laughing matter at happy hour among friends, strangers and even the bartender, so please put your pants on and take a better selfie.
Rule #4: Do not lie about your age.
There is an age range on Tinder for a reason, so when you say that you are 27, but you are actually 57, it is not only creepy, but now you just look like another idiot we will be discussing at happy hour. It would be different if you looked young for your age, but sir you are way beyond your means. If a woman wanted a sugar daddy, she would put her age requirements to that level, joined SugarPapas.com or has an ad on Craigslist looking for you. Stop trying to rock the cradle and find someone your own age. Word of advice: If you are 55+, she will NOT be on Tinder.
Rule #5: Do not put a picture of your burrito as your profile picture.
Literally, do not put your lunch in the picture. Do not put your motorcycle as your picture. Do not put your golf clubs as your picture. For the love of all that is mighty, stop putting objects that are not your face as your picture! Yes, it is good to know that a man is legally allowed to drive and that you like to do activities that require you to put down the game controller, but have you ever seriously had a woman become more attracted to you because of your miniature golf putting game or your high score on PacMan? Your face is what we would like to see for starters, please and thank you.
Rule #6: NO DUCK FACE.
No MySpace poses. No insane muscle pictures showing that you have ten muscles on top of your other ten muscles. Please put your shirt back on for a moment and take a photo like a normal man. No woman wants to be with a man that is wearing more make up than her, that could physically crush her in the bed room or is showing her how to pose for a picture at an angle where her hips do not look big. It is not hard to take a “basic” photo. Just attempt to look like a man for one photo is all we ask.
Rule #7: Refrain from holding a bong or a blunt in your hand for at least one or two photos.
To each there own with what you do on the weekend, we just don’t need to see it in a photo. You can be into recreational vices (alcohol, smoking, etc.), but having that as the first picture a girl sees is not going to get you far. If a girl can’t see your face because it is covered in smoke, there is a problem. If a girl does swipe right, she is looking for a buyer, not a boyfriend. Put down your drink or smoke for a minute and take a legit photo.
Rule #8: TAKE GIRLS OUT OF YOUR PICTURES.
Doesn’t matter if it is your sister, cousin, neighbor you have known for 25 years, do not have another girl in the picture. Your mother or grandmother is acceptable, but someone that looks like they can potential be your girlfriend should be removed. Doesn’t matter if it is the worst crop job of a picture and you can see that someone is in the photo next to you trying to make out with your face, just as long as you made the effort to remove the female from the picture. You may think it is more appealing to have a girl in the photo, because that shows that girls aren’t repulsed by you, but no girl wants to see a guy with what could have been their ex-girlfriend. Even if you put a disclaimer on the photo, the thought is already there that you could be a player. Remember, you are putting yourself out there, so you should appear single.
Rule #9: Do not post pictures of just you and your bros.
You can have pictures with your friends in them, but every picture with you and your friends leads to a guessing game. That game is not going to end in your favor if the girl swiped right for your friend and not you. Plus you are giving girls more options at other guys and that is not going to end in your favor as well when she is messaging you about your cute friend in the picture. So bro, once again, a single picture is in your favor.
Rule #10: Dogs are a yes, children are a no.
Women love animals and children, but when it comes to the Tinder world, your chances are low for a swipe right when you have a child in the pic. That may sound a little shallow and brutally honest, but it is the truth. Women are not going to put a picture of them with their child on there for strange men to see, so why do you think it is any different for men? Stranger Danger! Show off your pets all you want to, women love animals, but as a great philosopher once said, “Hide your kids, hide your wife!”
Sidenote –If you seriously have a wife and you are on Tinder, you deserve to be punched in the balls multiple times. By your wife and every woman that swiped left to you. Anyone who swiped right to you is just an idiot.
Rule #11: Do not give her your life story.
She swiped right to you, most of the work is done at that. The next step can be tricky to men – Talking to a female. We get that it is nerve-racking talking to someone new and that you are trying to be original rather than just using a pick up line, but sending a message that maps out your full day of going to the Dollar Store for toilet paper, then work to at McDonalds, then the gym for some cardio since you had a Big Mac at work, then home to clean your mom’s basement that you live in because you and your baby mama broke up and you were living in her mom’s basement with her two other kids to her other baby daddy that is a drug dealer and she went back with him and she is going to be in jail again because he is bad news and you are still in love with her, but you want to move on and that you would like to take her to Denny’s for Grand Slam to get to know her better. That is not going to get you anywhere. You are honestly lucky if you get a response to that, although some may just take you up Grand Slam offer for just having to put up with that long message. Keep it short, sweet and to the point. Hell offer the Grand Slam as bonus points! Maybe offer an upgrade to Olive Garden for some bread sticks. Disclaimer – That is sarcasm if you are not good at getting that – Do not offer her a Grand Slam – Take her somewhere fancy like Applebee’s (Also sarcasm).
Rule #12: If she has not responded to your first message, move on.
There was no technical glitch, there was no problem with her phone, a dinosaur didn’t break her phone and it made her lose all of her Tinder message. She got your message and whatever the reason may be, she doesn’t want to respond. Maybe she found one of the New Kids On The Block on Tinder and now they are getting super serious. You may see her update information or post a picture, but that does not mean that you should repeat the process of contacting her. Doesn’t matter what excuse you make for her not contacting you, just feel a little vote of confidence that she swiped right to you and keep swiping until you find a girl that does answer.
Rule #13: Do not ask for her phone number too soon.
“Hi, how are you? What is your phone number?” Do you want to come off like a stalker? If you have been talking to her for a day, you will look like a creeper. Whether it is dating online or meeting someone in public, giving a stranger your phone number is a big step. Do not assume that she going to be comfortable giving out that phone number right off the bat, especially since in her eyes you could be a mass murderer. Give it time, let love bloom and don’t be that creeper hiding outside in her bushes.
Rule #14: Do not ask for sex!
You are automatically deleted if you ask for sex, no questions asked. Even if it is a joke, deleted. You don’t get to joke about it until much further down the road and you still have your training wheel on because YOU ARE ON TINDER. You will not get laid by a majority of the women you find on there and if you do, it is an act of desperation, potentially with the parting gift of a present that is going to be leaving you itching your junk all lonely night long because she is not coming back for round two. No sex. Plain and simple.
Rule #15: THE BIGGEST RULE OF THEM ALL!
Keep little Lebron at home in your underpants. Your male parts should never be seen on Tinder. EVER. No woman wants to see a picture of your junk. Hell they barely ever want to see it in real life, so why would they want to have a picture to remember it by. You may think it is a masterpiece, but sweetie let me speak for the female population and say, it is an odd looking instrument that we only like to use, but it would be okay if we never saw it again. If a woman does say that they would like a picture of it, it is just another thing to show to the girls at happy hour and laugh about it. They make websites to show off your junk, so test out one of those before you test it out on the females on Tinder.