10 Reasons Why You Should Be His Booty Call

Flickr Joe Shlabotnik
Flickr Joe Shlabotnik

So you have found yourself the perfect guy that you would like to date, marry, have lots of adorable babies with, but a problem arises; he is looking for nothing serious and just wants you to be his booty call. His weekend hookup girl. His slam piece. His f*&k buddy. His nighttime fun. Or my personal favorite because he is the ultimate sensitive guy that wants to win you over—his “cuddle buddy.” You should feel beyond special right now. Out of the millions of females in this world, you were the Chosen One, the Harry Potter of his bedroom! Now you have to make a choice: to jump into his twin-sized bed in his mother’s basement or sit at home alone with your dog, eating Doritos while watching countless reruns of Sex and the City contemplating how many cigarettes does Carrie Bradshaw have to smoke before she realizes that Aidan was always better than Mr. Big. Your decision is simple. Here’s why you SHOULD be on his speed dial as “Speedy Delivery”:

1. It saves time.

Relationships are time-consuming. Back in the day, it was like a business relationship – take some phone calls and have a dinner here or there. Now you have to include texts, emails, FaceTime, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. It is exhausting just thinking about how many different ways you have to keep in contact with a man to know what is going on in his life. Lucky for you, you are not a girlfriend, so now you have more time to watch documentaries on African worms or whatever you choose to do with your nights. Do your thing, girl; this is a no-judgment zone.

2. It saves money.

Honestly, who wants to spend their money on someone else, when you can go out and by yourself something fun like a motorized scooter or the complete collection of Game of Thrones? Your bank account definitely remembers all the times your boyfriend “forgot” his wallet at home when you were on your hot date at Taco Bell or when you had to bail his drunk butt out of jail for getting too close to animals at the zoo again. But if he’s not your boyfriend, all you need is that gas money to get to and from that twin bed!

3. Respect.

Who needs it? Respect is overrated nowadays. I mean, seriously, if you are looking for some respect, get a kid that you can discipline and scare the hell out of, and the respect you crave will be yours. Let’s be real: Kids are way less work than boyfriends and are also way better behaved.

4. Yoga pants.

No longer just for yoga class, because you can wear them whenever you want! You don’t have to bother being cute anymore. Put away the dresses and save the make up for another night when it counts. Don’t even bother doing your hair! The lighting is dim in his mother’s basement anyways, so for all he knows, you could be Kim Kardashian ready to make sex tape number 2!

5. No jealousy/trust issues.

No need to worry about trusting the dipshit, because you have no claim on him! No need to be jealous of the girls that he is talking to on Tinder or worry that he is having some stripper sleep over after you leave. You and he are both free to go run around and do your own thing. Just make sure you get an STD test after you do that walk of shame.

6. Sleep.

Rest easy, Sleeping Beauty! Not only will you be getting in a good workout, but also you are no longer losing sleep over some idiot boyfriend! How many times did you have a fight about him training to be the next Vin Diesel by playing Grand Theft Auto for ten hours straight? Could have been a different cause, but it’s always the same fight. You have definitely lost sleep due to the male population, but by being a booty call, you can sleep easy knowing at the end of the day, you don’t have to claim that idiot as your own.

7. It saves battery power.

He will not be blowing up your phone wondering what you are doing. No worries about him sending you cute pictures of dogs dressed up in Star Wars costumes or him Snapchatting you pictures of the monstrous fish (by that I mean the one he just caught in the river). He is only going to contact you on as-needed basis. Short, sweet, and to the point, most likely something like, “Come over, let’s do the no pants dance!” or even simpler, “Mom left.”

8. Your nights have freed up.

It is just annoying when a man wants to see you all the time. “Hey, you want to go see the new Minion movie?” “Let’s go to the baseball game tonight!” “Hey, since you don’t feel well, do you want me to come over with some soup and the new Nicholas Sparks movie?” No woman actually likes a decent man who wants to spend time with her. That is just weird.

9. You don’t have to do girlfriend things.

You don’t have to send cute texts of a song that made you think of him, you don’t have to buy him presents, you don’t have to offer to watch his cat when he goes out of town for work, and you don’t have to wash his nasty underwear with the holes in it! You are not his girlfriend! He can recruit some other Tinder broad for that. You are the booty call and your purpose is to make sure that twin bed is good and rocking right!

10. There is no false hope.

No questioning where the relationship is going. No worrying that there are mixed feelings or that he is going to fall in love with you. This is no fairytale Walt Disney creation and certainly no Justin Timberlake movie ending with you at Grand Central in the middle of a flash mob while he professes his true love for you. You get what you pay for, and if there were something cheaper than the Dollar Store, you would be getting the Blue Light Special!

If you haven’t figured it out by now, this was written out of love and sarcasm. The answer is simple when it comes to being a booty call—HELL, NO. Girlfriend, you are worth a hell of a lot more than a hookup. While a “man” may try to rationalize with you the positives to being a bedroom buddy, the only positive in this scenario is that you found out he was a douchebag before it was too late. Tell that lovely gentleman to continue on his Tinder search to finding the perfect “cuddle buddy” for his basement rendezvous and that you are too busy being amazing to settle for that BS. You shouldn’t have had to read this to figure it out, but I hope it puts no doubt in your mind that you are better than that—and that it made you giggle a bit. Go out, conquer the world, and find the Ronald Weasley to your Hermione Granger! TC mark

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