I don’t keep very many people close to me anymore. Most people that I’ve lost touch with just sort of faded away without my help. But there were a few I pushed far away from me. I stopped responding to texts. I never answered calls. I never opened the messages on Facebook. And soon enough, they’d stop trying. I feel bad about it sometimes. I get lonely and long for a time when I had tons of people who wanted to see me. But I like it better this way. I had every intention of keeping in touch with multiple groups of people I called friends when we all went away after graduating. That was before the incident. That was before I went from trusting everyone and living to please people to second guessing everyone’s intentions and living for myself. The funny thing is, I’m happy now. I don’t stress out over every tiny detail in case it makes someone upset. I just do what I think is best for myself and the few people I care about. That’s not to say I’m some terrible person. I just won’t give my favorite shirt to you because you asked and I want you to like me. I’ll keep the damn shirt and tell you where I bought it.
You may be wondering what on earth could make someone want to shut everyone out of their life. I’m not telling you that. I’m not ready for the world to know what hell I went through. But it made me hit rock bottom harder than I ever thought was possible. I drank full bottles of whiskey to numb the pain, I stopped eating, I stopped getting out of bed unless it was to go exercise until I passed out. Instead of all the fun I had been having before, I started to self-harm and dream of dying. I even attempted to fulfill those dreams a few times but luckily for me, someone cared and always noticed. It took a few years, and a move to a completely different state, but I managed to bounce back. Stronger than ever, but also completely different. I like staying in. My Friday nights consist of going out for dessert and watching Dragon Ball Z. At any given time, there are only two text conversations in my phone. I only have two people I consider true friends. But you know what? For the first time in my life, I’m happy. And that’s a miracle compared to where I was 4 years ago. I had a ton of “friends” but no one had time for me when I was at my lowest. So why should I have time for them at my highest? On a journey of self-love, there’s only room for one. On a journey through life, there’s only room for the few that count.
I guess the whole point of writing this was to let you know that it’s okay to put yourself first. Because in the end, you’re the only person who is going to be there your whole life.