Just be honest. Insult him six ways to Sunday. Then question why he isn’t in love with you yet.
Tell him you hope he has a good day. Then correct yourself and tell him that he better have a good day, because you just spent the entire weekend sacrificing the neighborhood children in exchange for his happiness. That shit better work.
Compliment his appearance. Tell him you love his beard. Tell him you’d sell your soul just to touch it. I mean, if you hadn’t already sold it over the weekend while sacrificing the neighborhood children in exchange for his happiness.
Ask him how his family is. Be sure to use their names and ask very specific questions about their lives, based on all of the information that Google provided you with during your late-night research sessions. He will be impressed by how invested you are, I promise.
Text him first. Don’t be afraid to initiate the conversation. Also, don’t be afraid to text his phone three dozen times in a row. He will reply eventually, he is probably just speechless at the moment because he is so enamored with your fearless relentlessness, as well as your ability to have found his phone number without him even having to give it to you. Now that’s love!
Show him you pay attention to the small things. Seriously, just tie him to a chair in your basement and play him a mixtape that you made for him, containing all of his favorite songs that you’ve either heard him hum in fragments while cleaning his house (when he had no idea you were standing outside his window), or blasting on his car radio when he would drive off at illegal speeds just to get the hell away from you. Sing them all to him.
Don’t be afraid to chase him. Let him know you are willing to set your ego, self-respect, and sanity aside for the sake of your love. When he tries to run, run faster.
Be spontaneous. Just show up at his house in a wedding dress, with an ordained minister. Handcuff your wrist to his, and perform the ceremony right there on his doorstep. Tell him he doesn’t even need to worry about signing the Marriage Certificate, because you already forged his signature. The way he loops the letters in his name is one of the many things you’ve always adore about him, after all.
Don’t give up. If none of these tips work, don’t lose hope. Men can be really daft sometimes. Their obliviousness can be frustrating, but eventually, they come around. Even when they don’t want to.