A Bucket List Of Things I’d Like To Do AFTER I Die

woman sleeping holding white rose flower
Annie Spratt / Unsplash

1) Haunt Zak Bagans. You know, the guy from Ghost Adventures? I would definitely move objects around his house, specifically shampoo, and place it in front of his face while he’s sleeping, or on the table next to him while he’s sitting on his couch and watching T.V. I mean, he’s gotta take the hint eventually, right?

2) Haunt Aaron Goodwin. I mean, if I’m gonna haunt Zak, I might as well haunt Aaron from Ghost Adventures as well. He seems like a really funny guy, and he would be incredibly fun to scare.

3) Give so many wedgies. I would definitely find everyone who has ever done me wrong and seek revenge in the form of wardrobe malfunctions. Think your pants are too small, or you sat down weird? Nope. It’s just me. Phantom wedgies for everyone. Especially Donald Trump.

4) Befriend all of the neighborhood stray dogs and pay my ex a visit. I would let my ex know that I’m still thinking of him by luring all of the stray neighborhood dogs on to his front lawn and encourage them to use it as their new pooping ground. Animals can see spirits, right? Why not use it to my advantage?

5) Embarrass my sister. Rather than being a weirdo and whispering random things and freaking people out, I would just follow my sister around in public and make obnoxious fart noises. Especially while she attempts to go on dates.

6) Get obnoxious songs stuck in people’s heads. I would wait until they fell asleep, then sing to them the same songs over and over and over again, so they would be stuck in their head all of the next day. Baaaaaaby Shark, do doo da do doo.

7) Change the T.V. to whatever channel Supernatural may be playing on at that moment. When I die, you’ll know I’m the one visiting you, because Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki will consistently haunt your television set, regardless of how many times you change the channel or the damn batteries in your remote. You’re welcome.

8) Let loved ones know I’m present, by making the room smell like bacon. I mean, roses are overrated, and nobody wants to smell my cheap ass drugstore perfume. Plus, who doesn’t like the smell of bacon?

9) Find my (now deceased) high school math teacher who failed me. Listen, she failed me in Algebra 2 by .02 percent. That’s like, a percentage of a percentage! She couldn’t round up, so she better square up, because I’m coming for her.

10) Make some pottery with Patrick Swayze. What Can I say? Demi Moore made it look fun.

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