How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Life

Yoann Boyer
Yoann Boyer

Does your mood affect who and what you attract? Do your feelings at a particular time impact your decisions? You may not be into the whole, “what you put out there” scenario but you may want to reconsider that. When I fault myself or think for a moment that I am not good enough, BAM! I get hit with something that makes me feel like I’m not good enough. When I feel good, I attract good things and am more open to them. When I feel shitty, I attract meh.

Our moods, thoughts, and feelings do dictate how we see ourselves, others and situations.

Below are four scenarios of how what occurs to us externally or internally may affect our decision-making and therefore how we respond or react to people or certain situations.

I get knocked down, but I get up again

We all get knocked down from time to time. I will begrudgingly admit there were times where I felt so down that I wasn’t sure I could get back up. Allow yourself a pity party but try not to draw it out. It’s time to regroup, refocus and move on. It is so important to pick yourself up, forgive yourself, work through it, and not focus on the bad or sadness. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Right? Right!

My whole life I’ve been an independent thinker. On the flip side of that, I am very sensitive. I am self-aware. It is part of who I am. I don’t want to change, and I don’t think I can change that about myself. Why should I? I would rather feel something than nothing at all. I have found myself in situations where I have done or said things that go against the grain of what is deemed acceptable. Sometimes it has led me to great things, other times I’ve put my foot in my mouth, left myself vulnerable, open to ridicule, or put myself in situations that were all wrong for me and left me wondering how I got there. There have also been those times where I felt hopeless and alone. I believe we all can relate to that.

It’s hard to look outside yourself and even harder at times to show yourself the compassion you deserve. You are not perfect. You are going to make mistakes, but you are not hopeless. The trick is learning from it and gaining perspective.

That’s not to say it’s a simple feat. Sometimes it takes time, and that is okay. It’s not a race. No matter how crappy you may feel now, things will turn around. I’m a firm believer that life takes you where you are supposed to go. However, if you walk around in a funk all the time because life isn’t going according to plan, you will not fully open yourself up to explore what life is supposed to be for you. Change your mood, change your life.

So maybe you didn’t get what you considered to be the dream job, the dream house or dream man. Let’s be frank, although it may feel like it at the time, it’s not the end of the world. There are more jobs, more houses and more men out there. If you focus on what doesn’t work out and feel your life is doomed. Guess what? You are perpetuating a life of doom. Allow yourself time so that you don’t jump blindly into another wrong situation but do make sure you don’t pass up opportunities because you are stuck wallowing in what you think you lost. It just means “it” was not the right fit or move for you.

Look at it this way; maybe you didn’t get that job because the company was on the verge of bankruptcy. Maybe you didn’t get that house because it has a leaky roof that would cost you tens of thousands of dollars to replace. Maybe the broken engagement was for the best because he was a big, fat cheater.

Or things didn’t work out because it wasn’t the right time for you. Who knows? Whatever the case may be, it happened for a reason. You are supposed to be where you are at this very moment so look at it as a blessing, not a failure and learn for next time.

What you put out there

I did an unexpected experiment. It was not intended to be, but it became one. I joined a dating site and started perusing two apps days after a breakup. Essentially, that equates to a second full-time job without pay and poor benefits. I soon realized that I was not ready to put my neck out there again. It felt forced. I know deep down that I want a partner in my life. However, now may not be the time.

My mood played a role in who was attracted to me. As a friend brazenly said, I was a magnet, and it was not working for me. I’m sure a few of those men are decent human beings, but they were all wrong for me. They ranged from insincere to overzealous. There was no middle ground. Their communication styles, approach to me and lifestyles were just a big, NO. I was attracting men who were closed off. I told myself, this time, I would date on my terms. I would date around so not to put all my eggs in one basket. In theory, that sounded good. In reality, it was unrealistic because I’m not a serial dater. It’s just not my thing.

Regardless, I was not attracting men who would add dimension to my life. What I put out there —  feelings of insecurity, a touch of bitterness mixed with frustration was coming back to me in the men selecting me.

Once I canceled those dating site/app accounts, I felt a sense of relief. No more pressure to meet someone and start the whole interview process again. It’s time to focus on good stuff, taking care of me, and most importantly stop worrying about what is missing in my life. I feel content with my life for the most part. It may not be the life most people my age have, but it’s mine. At the moment, caring for myself is important to me. I also don’t want to drag someone else into my life for the sake of just having someone in my life. That just feels wrong to me.

Interesting enough, as soon as I took that leap removing myself from the online rotation, I was approached by a few men in person. No swiping necessary. What a concept. Meeting a man the old-fashioned way – in a bar. Okay, it was a restaurant/bar.

I do want a partner. I want someone to hang out with, to ask how his day was and get the same question in return. I do want a man in my life who gets me and likes me just as I am. I have faith he is still out there somewhere, maybe under my nose, stuck in a tree, or in the middle of the ocean somewhere. But he’s out there.

The audition

My Mom compared relationships to auditions, and it hit me. She is right. I have some experience there as I have auditioned numerous times in my life. At one point I wanted to be a ballerina, dancer and a performer on Broadway. Sometimes I got the part, but for the most part, I was passed over. You have to develop a thick skin in that biz. Hats off to all you actors and performers out there. When it comes down to it, you could be brilliant. You may feel you are perfect for a role or part but for whatever reason, you are not what they had in mind.

The same could be said for most things in life. A job for instance. You could have a killer resume, but someone else has a qualification you don’t have and therefore pushed you to the number two spot. You could be dating someone who likes you but found someone else who they feel is a better fit.

It’s as if life is a big audition and the right part is within arm’s reach. It can be a blow to your ego when something you want slips through your fingers. Not to sound cliché but really, something better is around the corner. As they say in show business, the show must go on.

I worked on a sci-fi feature film in Los Angeles. They held auditions for the lead male actor on the sound stage where I worked. Most of the actors stopped by my desk before their audition. Not that I minded. After their auditions, you could see who felt they nailed it and those who felt they blew it. Obviously, only one of them would get the part. I recall being sick that day and actor, Craig Bierko, (incredibly handsome, by the way) stopped by my desk, asked if was okay, told me I looked pale (thank you very much) and offered to get me water. I secretly hoped he got the part. The audition gods had another man in mind. I remember when the male lead walked through the door. He practically moved in slow motion. I think he came equipped with his own theme song and an invisible fan blowing through his hair. Choosing him had nothing to do with the talent of these other men. He fit the look, had the swagger, and chemistry with the leading lady. Done deal.

In life, you may have all the right pieces, but without your personal theme song, life may be a bit harder for you. We all go through many auditions in life. Just because you don’t get one break, does not mean there are not others waiting in the wings. You may not be what one person has in mind as their ideal, but you will be that ideal for someone else. Most of the men I met that day of the auditions went on to do great things. Our Sci-Fi movie was not one of them.

Law of attraction

I was feeling great about myself. I was taking care of myself, having fun hanging out with my girlfriends, spending quality time with my folks, working out regularly, my job was going well, and I helped plan an event at work that was a big success. At that time a few men asked me out. Not together mind you because, well, that would be weird. I wasn’t into dating at the time. I was feeling extra cautious. Not cautiously optimistic, plain old cautious as I was a little gun shy from the last guy and the guy before him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to jump back in the dating pool again. I should have listened to myself. A week or so later, I decided to give one of them a shot. He surprised me. He was not what I expected at all. I genuinely liked him.

This time around, it felt different. I was in a good place, and I felt I attracted someone who would be a positive in my life. I found myself adapting to his life and putting mine on the back burner. Looking back, that is a big no, no and something I recommend you don’t do ever. I wasn’t going to be one of those women who put a man above everything else. Well, surprise, I became that girl. I enjoyed spending time with him, and I wanted to spend time with him. I couldn’t wait to see him in fact. So sue me. Plus, he asked, so I did. I did make some time for my friends and family, but it was minimal. So, I kind of lost myself and once I did that, I lost him.

I think if you lose yourself in someone, you lose perspective. You gain a different kind of confidence, but your ability to rationalize skews a bit. You may attract someone that seems right for you but you need to be you, not some idea of you. Be yourself and continue to live your life. The right person will appreciate that and be willing to compromise. Looking back, I thought I was ready for something bigger. It’s entirely possible I wasn’t, so I attracted someone who was equally not ready. That is my take on it anyway. You can’t always control who you are attracted to, but you can control who you are once the attraction is realized.

All in all, nurture you. You will have good times and bad times in this life. You will fall, you may not get the part, you may attract the wrong person, and you may fail at something you want more than anything. Don’t give up; get back on that horse even if it’s bucking. There is more out there. Stop letting things you can’t control or negative thoughts or feelings run your life and your mood, push it all aside and be good to you.

It all starts with you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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