Long gone are the days of innocent trick-or-treating, themed homeroom parties and high school house jams. How does one even Halloween as an adult? Here’s a guide to what you can expect from the weekend of festivities.
- Talk about your elaborate costume ideas to anyone who will listen for all of October.
- Do nothing to assemble said costume until the night before Halloween.
- Give up and contemplate the simple addition of cat ears for the third year in a row.
- Print out a ridiculously impossible pumpkin-carving stencil that will surely impress all the other adults around you.
- Slowly lose your sanity as you spend three hours poking patterns into impenetrable orange flesh.
- Sulk noticeably as the whole family oohs and ahs over your seven-year-old niece’s smiley face pumpkin. It’s not even symmetrical.
- Mature from previously fishnet-clad years and don your modest, pop-culturally relevant, ironic costume.
- Give handfuls of chocolate bars to miniature droves of witches and Darth Vaders.
- Watch the children gallivant through the streets with Halloween glee, hoarding more candy in one day than your hips will allow you in one year.
- Experience nostalgia and jealousy.
- Meet your friends at some sort of booze-filled costume soiree.
- Be eternally grateful it isn’t the sludgy cauldron potion drink you were forced to consume in years past.
- Regret your mature costume choice as you watch sexy weed leaf (yes…that’s a thing) woman hold court with a group of ogling dudes.
- Flirt with Batman for a while.
- Leave the party, hit up a corner store and buy a mixed party bag of candy bars for yourself.
- Crawl into bed and watch videos of Jimmy Kimmel taking candy away from kids.
Adult Halloween success.