How To Halloween Like An Adult

Long gone are the days of innocent trick-or-treating, themed homeroom parties and high school house jams. How does one even Halloween as an adult? Here’s a guide to what you can expect from the weekend of festivities.
Flickr / Steve Jurvetson
Flickr / Steve Jurvetson
  1. Talk about your elaborate costume ideas to anyone who will listen for all of October.
  2. Do nothing to assemble said costume until the night before Halloween.
  3. Give up and contemplate the simple addition of cat ears for the third year in a row.
  4. Print out a ridiculously impossible pumpkin-carving stencil that will surely impress all the other adults around you.
  5. Slowly lose your sanity as you spend three hours poking patterns into impenetrable orange flesh.
  6. Sulk noticeably as the whole family oohs and ahs over your seven-year-old niece’s smiley face pumpkin. It’s not even symmetrical.
  7. Mature from previously fishnet-clad years and don your modest, pop-culturally relevant, ironic costume.
  8. Give handfuls of chocolate bars to miniature droves of witches and Darth Vaders.
  9. Watch the children gallivant through the streets with Halloween glee, hoarding more candy in one day than your hips will allow you in one year.
  10. Experience nostalgia and jealousy.
  11. Meet your friends at some sort of booze-filled costume soiree.
    Drink.
  12. Be eternally grateful it isn’t the sludgy cauldron potion drink you were forced to consume in years past.
  13. Regret your mature costume choice as you watch sexy weed leaf (yes…that’s a thing) woman hold court with a group of ogling dudes.
  14. Flirt with Batman for a while.
  15. Leave the party, hit up a corner store and buy a mixed party bag of candy bars for yourself.
  16. Crawl into bed and watch videos of Jimmy Kimmel taking candy away from kids.

Adult Halloween success. TC mark

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