What My OKCupid Profile Would Look Like If I Were Actually Honest

My self-summary: an insignificant individual on planet earth, just like everyone else. Frequently overdramatic just to keep myself from being bored.

What Iโ€™m doing with my life: tweeting during peak hours, trying to remember to call my mom, filling out W-9s, filling up a Smart Water bottle with tap water, mourning Heath Ledgerโ€™s death, actively trying to avoid ever owning a house plant.

Iโ€™m really good at: finishing tubs of hummus by myself, getting sweaty during minor errands, singing the wrong verse, buying songs on iTunes and then hating them the second I spend money on them, making friends with Starbucks baristas via jokey banter, knowing how many servings are in a bag/box.

The first things people usually notice about me: My sturdy stature and sassy Eeyore-like monotone. And that I talk with my hands. And that I donโ€™t make eye contact. Oh Jesus.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food:
A) Movies/Shows: anything with hot boys in it.
B) Books: anything that I can imagine has a hot boy in it. โ€จ
C) Music: anything sung by a hot boy. โ€จD) Food: is the love of my life, thank you for asking.

The six things I could never do without: Twitter, carbs, blankets, health insurance, hyperbole, Hugh Grant.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: why my mother doesnโ€™t understand the difference between emails and texts, Alan Rickmanโ€™s exceptional range, Peano Axioms, starting a cereal called Fellati-os, baby otters, how people can wear jeans all day and still love themselves, why Simon & Garfunkel broke up, wave/particle duality.

On a typical Friday night I am: getting into my pajamas if it takes my friends longer than 6 minutes to text me back with solid and enticing plans.

The most private thing Iโ€™m willing to admit: Iโ€™ve never seen Spice World despite loving the Spice Girls more than anyone else I know. (DO I EVEN LOVE THEM????) Iโ€™ve cried about the fact that the 1960s are over. I have no idea how hotel key cards work.

Iโ€™m looking for: Someone who knows not to talk during Ricky & Morty, Sherlock, and The Bachelorette. Also canโ€™t have read receipts on. Also please smell like freshly baked cookies. Also please used varied sentence structure (one of us should).

You should message me if: You know how to change wiper blades; you are John Krasinski (JK, stay with Emily Blunt and your adorable baby); and/or you are a majority shareholder of Cinnabon. TC mark

featured image – Shutterstock

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