1. I am the architect of my fridge; I and I alone choose its contents.
2. My WiFi connection is stronger than ever.
3. My body is at its peak; my mind is too; my soul is questionable and the first two are kinda depressing me. Is this really all there is?
4. I am superior to thinking and acting like basic bitch.
5. I have been given endless talents but I prefer perusing Netflix.
6. I forgive those professors who have harmed my GPA.
7. A river of vodka washes away my anger and replaces it with love.
8. I am guided in my every step by celebrities who lead me towards products I must buy.
9. My marriage board on Pinterest is becoming stronger, deeper, and more stable each day.
10. I possess the qualities needed to be extremely successful. Theoretically.
11. My butt is growing, expanding and thriving thanks to all the fro-yo I’ve been eating.
12. Adderall surges through me and leads me to new and brilliant ideas.
13. Happiness is a choice. I base my happiness on how many people I can get to listen about how my time abroad changed me.
14. My ability to conquer drinking challenges is limitless; my potential to succeed at beer pong is infinite.
15. I deserve to be employed and paid well for my time, efforts and ideas. But meanwhile, I’ll do anything for an unpaid internship in the right field.
16. I am courageous and stand up for social justice via my Facebook profile picture.
17. I am always finding new ways to avoid washing my hair for another day.
18. Today, I abandon my old hookup and take up new, more attractive ones.
19. Many people look up to me and recognize my social media presence; I am admired.
20. I am #blessed with an incredible #family and #friends.
21. I acknowledge my own Vine popularity; my confidence is soaring.
22. Everything that is happening now is happening for my ultimate good.
23. I am acting like I’m powerhouse; I am acting like I’m indestructible.
24. Though these times are difficult, I am pretending they are the best times of my life (in case anyone asks).
25. My future is an ideal projection of what I envision now but it’s also seriously making me panic, can we not talk about that?
26. The perfect brunch table will open up before me, better than I ever imagined.
27. I’m at peace with all the TV shows I haven’t caught up on.
28. Today, I am brimming with alcohol left over from yesterday.
29. I decide my Internet quiz results.
30. My thoughts are filled with surface level knowledge of the World Cup so I can have an excuse to day drink.