1. Nordstrom. Not to brag but I got a couple Nordy’s gift cards (no one calls it that; please don’t follow my lead) for Christmas and I don’t even know what to do with myself. They have salespeople instead of “people who work there.” That’s some fancy shit. I don’t know how to deal with that. There are even clothing sections based on designer brands and that’s a lot too much for me to handle.
2. Cashew butter. Shut up and buy peanut butter like a regular human being. (Unless you’re allergic and then I feel ya and I’m sorry).
3. iPads. Okay. But like I have my phone. So it’s just a big phone that can’t make calls? I don’t getttt iiiittt. (I’m whining there).
4. Smart Water. I have a smart water bottle that I’ve been filling with tap water for months. Guess what? I still don’t have the respect of my peers. It’s fine. The water tastes the same. I’m not royalty and neither are you.
5. The business section of H&M. The same goes for the fancy part of Forever 21. It’s not that I couldn’t spend $34.95 on a blazer, but where am I going to wear that? I don’t have any funerals coming up. If my clothes can’t easily double as PJs, hard pass.
6. Sushi. Soooo it’s like if I took a handful of rice to the bottom of the ocean and opened my mouth? Yeah. Pass.
7. Jewelry not from Target. Target’s looks the same. I can’t tell what your wedding ring is made of. Is it red? Ruby. Is it clear? Diamond. Is it a ring pop? No. Okay, I lost interest. Give me jewelry that leaves my skin green, baby. I’m buying more in like 7 months anyway if I remember.
8. Taxis. Wooooah. One time I took one home from the airport like they do in the movies. I yelled “follow that car!” to the driver and he was confused and I had to explain the bit. Not worth it. Too fancy.
9. Anything organic. What am I, a princess? Give me some chemicals. Kill me with pesticides. I’m gonna go eat some grapes and not wash them right now and be stronger and more bionic than you. And grapes are some of the most pesticide ridden fruits there are! Boom!
10. HBOgo. I have my friend’s password so that I can browse titles and pretend I have things in common with other upper-middle class white kids. These are all good shows to impress people by watching. Other than Sex and the City. That seems like an outlier.
11. Instagram. Not fancy by many people’s standards — in fact, it’s rather trashy/cliche/mainstream. But for the life of me, I can’t live an Instagram-worthy life. That doesn’t sound right. Too many “life”s in that sentence. But you get me. I’m not looking at sunsets, Starbucks, sushi, smoothies, or salads enough. Ya feel?
12. Country clubs. I took my junior prom photos at one of these places, and perhaps that’s why I didn’t end up going to senior prom (or the fact I had an older boyfriend). Anyhow. They frown upon you taking funny pictures by the fireplace apparently, and in that moment, I knew and they knew that I didn’t belong.
13. Dyeing my hair. The upkeep! The upkeep! (You’re welcome for that amazing literary reference to Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness.) But for real, I have to take care of myself more? No thank you. I barely remember to cut my hair every two years. That’s right. Two years. Let’s not go crazy with root maintenance, too, k?
14. Candles. Why do they smell so nasty? Am I supposed to like this? Also, they are ineffective at emitting light or heat — ostensibly their only job. I’m just supposed to find fire serene, I guess. Well if we are really going to do stuff with fire (fun!) let’s get a bonfire in here. Move the couches, put the coffee table in the corner and let’s light some shit up!
15. Nice lingerie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about fun-derware. (I loathe myself for that.) I get how it makes you feel sexy and stuff. But Target has lace underwear for $4 and it’s really comfy and I think still hot. Why do there need to be straps down by my ass? I’m the only one seeing this. And if a boy does see it, it must have been severely windy today or he’s incredibly lucky and likely doesn’t care what’s going on down there.
16. Golf. Don’t even get me started on a “sport” where you drive from hole to hole. Okay, you walk? Good for you. But your sport still has etiquette. Imagine telling an opposing hockey player that they can’t talk while you shoot. Imagine.
17. Nice cheese. Like not cheese sticks. I’m not saying it’s too fancy for me to eat. Trust that I can consume any kind of dairy product like a champ. But it’s damn well too luxurious for me to buy. Brb grabbing some off-brand “Cheesy Does It” and squirting it directly in my mouth from a recumbent position.
18. Whole Foods. A lot has been said on this topic, but I just want to reiterate that I don’t belong here. I can’t afford to belong here. Why would I want to buy bulk fennel seed? What is this remedy called “colloidal silver”? Why is there an option to “grind my own nut butter”?
19. Brunch. As a white girl, this should be right in my wheelhouse, but alas, the concept of two meals in one makes me panic. Why? DO I EAT BEFORE? DOES THIS MEAN I ONLY GET TWO MEALS TODAY? It should be perfect since I’m usually consuming enough for two at every meal, but somehow the environment is not cut out for me.
20. Tea-length dresses. Appealing part: you don’t have to shave as much of your legs. Not appealing part: you should really wear heels with these dresses so you don’t look like a short little garden gnome. And I don’t need that.
21. A real wallet. That’s right, baby, I’m using ziplock bags and hope to keep my money and cards together. Sometimes one of those keychain wallets that girls often use. What are those called?
22. Carpool lanes. Can I just have two people and I’m good to go? Do I need a sticker? Where do I enter? Where do I exit? Ughhh. Never mind, this is too much.
23. First class airplane seats. I was bumped to first class one time in my life serendipitously and I had to be walked through every step. There are menus and blankets and it’s all phenomenally hospitable but I was an outsider and I felt like one for every minute of that flight. I didn’t belong and I just wanted the sweet relief of sitting back with the other plebes in coach.
24. House plants. Mama does not need to be taking care of some fern. Or ficus. Or whatever you’re trying to put on me. I don’t drink enough water myself, and now I have to make sure that another living thing is hydrated too? Nope. Nope and a half.
25. Museums. What am I supposed to be looking at? What am I supposed to be feeling? Is there a kids’ section? Is there an IMAX? Is there a slide? Can I buy an expensive science toy? Couldn’t I just have googled that picture online to see it? Sorry I feel bad that we paid $12 for me to feel bored.
26. Clothes without elastic waists. One time I pulled my back from sucking in from wearing jeans all day. This is a highly true story of how my body is not built to wear clothes that aren’t stretchy. What are we trying to prove with structured clothing? That our bodies are similar enough to a mannequin that we can wear khaki pants? WELL, MY BODY DOESN’T FIT THOSE. I just want to wear yoga pants and flowy tank tops on the daily. Sue me.
27. Cars with electronically adjustable seats. If you have those fun buttons on the side of your passenger seat of your car, you best believe I’m going to spend an extra 13 minutes “riding” up and down on this basic roller coaster I’ve created for myself. Oh, they’re heated too? Get. Out. Of. Town. Come back in five days when I’m done with this spa treatment.
28. Charcuterie. The word, really. I’m all in for deli-meats but pretty much any French word beyond croissant and baguette ain’t happening.
29. Tea. I guess some people think tea tastes good (like 7/8ths of the world population). But if there is a whole party around your drink, I don’t think I can make it. There’s a lot of processes involved in making tea and there seems to be a bunch of etiquette again that I am unwilling to learn for a beverage made out of leaves. No, thanks. I’m on that Baja Blast train.