Who I Am And Who I Want To Be

This is who I am and this has been what I am doing. When I feel heavy and hard on myself and situations that take place, I express weight I can’t bear properly through writing. To those who take time to read, thank you. Please let me remind everyone that I am writing down not to bash and hit on anyone. I write solely for the purpose of expression. I write to release the heaviness I feel and to state what my thoughts are that I know I cannot expect anyone to understand. I write not to gain sympathy even if I clearly need it. I write because it’s the only channel as of now that I am able to release all in excess. Please, if you are on this page, read through me, see through me and try to understand. I do not need further judgements anymore as I have started realizing things within my innermost person and it is very painful. Pain that is being brought about by the fact, that realizations are indeed, the truest of truths. The kind of truth that when it originates from the most genuine parts of a person, the more it inflicts pain.

I always thought I knew it all, only to realize that it has made me a person unaccepting of help and aid from people, even the closest of my friends. I never wanted to become that kind of person, intentionally. But I have never noticed that I was becoming one until lately. I knew within myself that I always needed help, but I always shrugged it off because I thought I knew. I never accepted the fact that I am not perfect. It was never welcome to me that I had to struggle simply because I thought I know it all. I was never the man I wanted to become. I never embraced change. Even with a kind heart and a good personality, I was never good. I was doing a lot of things for others because of thinking I never really need help anyway. I always kept pushing and being there for another person because of that sad fact, not knowing that I have been compromising what matters to them, their feelings. I constantly pressured myself to become the man, but I never did that for myself, and I realize now why it has reached this point of angst and anguish.

I dig too much into failure. To which at any point in this lifetime, or even the next ones, is a factual part of life. I am focused too much on what I want to achieve that I neglect the importance of what I do to achieve. It’s that constant pressure I never removed from myself that has made me become a man of thoughts alone. I know all along how I feel about what’s going on and happening to myself, but I disregarded it. And now, I am paying the price for what I have done.

I do not have an aura of positivity. I couldn’t hide the heaviness inside my heart and the complications in my mind from the people that do not deserve to see it. I want to put what I know is a good heart and kind persona in me to good and proper use. I acknowledge that. I want to work on it not because others do not deserve seeing my pain and suffering, but rather because I do not want my good heart and persona suffer too much. I want a balance of intellect and genuine emotional processing. I have too much of the former and very little of the latter.

I hate who I am right now because it is not who I really am. I have become someone ungrateful and selfish. My life’s events have made me become so self-centred and egoistic to a fault, a lot of fault. I realize why all of these are saddening me. I have come to a point where instant realizations brought me to where maturity starts. That I have to accept change from within and do changing because my inner self asks me to. That my inner, better person is drowning in darkness and shouting for help in a very faint sound, rather helplessly. I am shocked with this person I have become. I allowed me to consume my genuine and pure heart by darkness in the disguise of pain and suffering. I hate myself for never fighting back as early as I could.

I was too busy helping on people fight through their pains that I have clearly taken for granted I had to fight my own. I have become tactless and brutally honest to people and the words should have been told to myself. That was why I always felt I had to ask forgiveness because who I really am, wouldn’t want to talk in a hurtful way.

I lost concept of love and what it is. I justified what I thought was how love was defined. Only to realize, that the person I have become doesn’t really know about it, but rather the person within me. I know deep within that love is an expression, a feeling from within that even not said is felt. And still I forced its expression to a fault. I was way too worried.

And then I realize that it is never too late to get back up after a fall. It will never be too late to start accepting the things I refused and change for the better. It is never going to be late to save that good person being consumed in darkness. That being better should be an inspiration for starters, a motivation for intermediates, and a hobby for advocates of goodness.

In time, everything is going to heal and get better. Thank you for blessing me with all the people around me. I was the one who did not know appreciation and I can’t make people understand how it works if I myself, do not do it the right way.

I am happily sad. I am happily pained. I am looking forward to the future where I become a better individual for myself, not for anybody. See through, read through, and comprehend. And from there, we all will understand and accept.