You Never Really Ever Have to Even Post at All

Besides being a site to procure concert tix or buy a sweet pink Huffy for your little sister’s birthday, Craigslist is most functional as a big sleazy sex party with something for everyone. By everyone, I mean everyone, and by everyone, I mean gay men. For this or that reason, gay men have grown very comfortable with setting up impromptu online tail. To be sure, there are some women who are just as comfortable as any gay man is when setting up a trick through their computer, but can we agree that they are at least fewer in number? That would be great. When you’ve had enough of sitting alone in this room and are in need of fucking someone (in the biblical sense), the Craigslist personal ads are a perfect place to find an outlet (mouth) for your gnawing urge. Your dick, mouth, or ass is stirring, but you just cannot deal with anyone right now who you have to say more than, “Hello!” to or, post-coitally, ever see again. They say there is a place for every one of us. There is a place for you.

Before you sit down at your computer, there are issues you must deal with on a personal level before venturing into the world of anonymous online sex. Drop the fear. You cannot in any way be scared. Hearing the one word “Craigslist” makes you hear the two words “Craigslist Killer” and that needs rewired at once. You cannot be afraid of strangers, going to strangers’ homes, or letting strangers come to where you live. Chances are they’ll be fine. Chances are not that you will end up meeting a murderer with terrible plans for your body once you’re unconscious. Sure, it can happen, and it has happened, but it rarely does and it rarely has. Think of it in terms of car accident statistics and how when you first heard those numbers, how it kept you from ever getting in a car again. Oh, it didn’t keep you from ever getting in a car again? Good. Apply that logic here. It’s the same logic. Though they can be, strangers aren’t always strange. They’re often just people, a lot like you. Remember, you are just as much of a possible murderer to them as they are to you. Allow this to empower you and give you great courage.

Go to craigslist.org and find the ads for the city where you live. The site often does this automatically, but not always. This is mostly a “no doy” but you don’t want to start making a date with someone in Boston while your dick, mouth, or ass is presently stirring on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Click on the “men seeking men” link, and agree that you are 18 or older. Once this is done, a very long (if you live in New York) list of “men seeking men” appears. If you are of the certain ilk to which any penis, mouth, or ass will do, please feel free to scroll down the entire list and click on whichever header first catches your eye. There is a box at the top you can click before searching that will eliminate from the list any ads that do not contain an image. You might want to run through that list first. A picture is nice, and something you should eventually request before making any kind of date. If you are posting an ad yourself, I recommend including some kind of picture. The ads “with images” are more likely to be clicked than the ones “without.” Even if the picture is faceless, it’s encouraging to get a more clear idea of someone on your first click rather than after a succession of “you send first, no, you send first” emails. But, you know, you never really ever have to even post at all. I prefer browsing to being browsed.

Let’s assume that not just any dick, mouth, or ass will do, and that you actually have standards or a specific thing you’re looking for. You are an individual, and as an individual you are defined by the fact that you have your thing. Just like on Google, there is a search box where you are asked to enter keywords to help refine the search. There are many keywords that you won’t know as keywords yet, not until after familiarizing yourself with Craigslist’s “men seeking men” lingo. There are far too many keywords to get into now, but many are poetic, brilliant, and should soon be gathered, shared, and explained.

You’re into amputees. You always have been. Ever since you were a child, you’ve seen the space where a limb once lived as beautiful, something about it, and you’re attached to this. Perhaps you see the space as many things that combined and manifested themselves in your sexual appetite. You can’t explain it. If you could explain it, you don’t know why you would. Type the word amputee into the search field and hit return. There are three ads that contain the keyword amputee. Two of them are looking, and one of them wants to be looked for. You have competition now so the right behavior is key. If there is no image attached to the ad, you must request one. It is not necessary, but it is a smart move to include a picture in your first email. Many posters will not reply to an email without a picture attached. (Please try and avoid any person who “doesn’t have” any pictures of himself and is asking you to meet up with him based solely on his stats. There is something wrong with this person, I guarantee you this.) I also recommend sending an innocent picture of your face. If they ask for a picture of your body, you can send that as well, but maybe keep your face out of that one. If you do want to send the whole shebang, then by all means, be my guest. I just think it’s a wiser move to keep identifiable naked pictures of yourself offline.

The amputee you have written to responds with a picture of himself. It’s a picture of his face. This is a good sign. When you ask for a picture and someone immediately sends you a dick-pic, allow a little red flag to go up in your head. People who only send pictures of their assholes and genitalia always come across as a bit desperate. Sure, you may be a bit desperate yourself at the moment, but you’re not undignified. You want this to be a “no strings attached” affair, but it makes for an all-around better experience if the person you meet is honest and not a completely depraved individual (unless that’s what you’re looking for, which you sometimes are). If they included a face pic with the dick-pic, then you can drop the red flag a little. Showing your face means that you are serious in your intentions and you’re not just a picture collector or a no-show (there are many of both on Craigslist). It is a small exhibition of bravery and an assurance that you are earnest in your pursuit. I am unfamiliar with admirers of the amputated, but I assume that they are partial to which limb has been lost (if only one) and that they more often than not prefer to see a picture or two of it. If it were me, I’d probably ask for one. We are now getting into specifics.

Once you both agree that you find each other attractive, it is best to lay everything out on the table before making a date. Body contact, kissing, cuddling, sucking, rimming, s/m, b/d, watersports, electroshock, sounding, leather, humiliation. Electroshock sounding, leather humiliation. What do they like to do? What do you like to do? What do you, and what do they, not like to do? Unfortunately, two gay men does not a match make. There are elements within the men that must also match.  It sometimes seems that there are several men inside of each man and not only do the two “container” men have to get along, but the several “inside” men (a crew of desires) must also match up. Or at least the majority of them. There are a million examples: The amputee doesn’t like his missing limb to be paid any attention to. You, however, would like to pay very special attention to the missing limb. You had plans for worship and adoration. If this is not made clear in the emails leading up to the meeting, only disaster looms. Of course there are other, more obvious specifics that will come up more frequently such as, “I’m a bottom!” and then “Oh cool, I’m a top!” and that just may be enough to get you dressed and out the door or to get you tidying up for your new guest. I am trying to make a more specific and informative example.

A big part of the Craigslist game is hosting and traveling. If someone cannot host, it either means that they have a husband or wife (or boyfriend/girlfriend), that they have roommates, or that they still live with their parents. But it can also mean that they would rather not have you, or anyone, over to their place due to trust issues. Personally, I prefer to travel, but only because entering a stranger’s home and seeing how they live is a big part of the thrill for me. I don’t have a problem with hosting and have hosted several times, but I just prefer to go out. One huge advantage to traveling is that if things don’t go so well (like maybe his breath smells) it is much easier to make an exit from someone else’s home than it is to ask someone to leave your own. If hosting is a problem for both of you, there are always hotels. But hotels cost money and if you wanted to spend money on sex, you would have stayed straight and gone to hookers instead of turning yourself gay.

So you’ve met your adorable man. You’ve met your man who is missing one of his legs from the knee down and that’s just what you were looking for. You’ve met your man who likes a lot of the same things as you do and he can host and seems really nice and is also “looking for now” just like you. Get his phone number and call him to seal the deal. He has a little voice, an accent. He sounds shy, and suddenly you feel sorry for him. For a moment, you kind of loved him. What? He likes to smoke pot too and has a lot of it. He just finished watching a DVD of Il Tabarro. What’s his address? You’ll be there soon. You’re going to get showered and you’ll come right over. He lives a little out of the way so you decide to splurge on a taxi. It’s getting late, after all, and the raucous crew of desires inside you are beginning to cheer and stir. They know what you’ve been planning, and they are ready to meet their own dates, the other raucous crew of desires contained within the man you’re going to meet. See how many of the them get along with one another. See every way two men can get along. You figure that his are probably stirring and cheering almost as strongly as yours are.

It’s just sex. It’s just a stranger. You have a flesh that demands of you the flesh of another man. It was a bit of a process lining this up, but now that’s all in the past and you’re on your way. As of this moment, you are in a taxi hurtling towards the home of someone who wants you there. Maybe things looked better on the screen, and the evening doesn’t turn out as pleasant as you imagined. It’s possible. It’s likely. Or maybe you’ll physically click, quench each other, then go your separate ways never to cross dicks again. Maybe you’ll get knocked out. Maybe you’ll be brutally murdered after all. Maybe you’re hurtling towards a man who will knock you out not with a crow-bar, but with how he addresses you by your full name, then you’ll become all his and he’ll become all yours. You could be heading towards the best sex you’ll ever have in your life. You could be on your way to suck the most beautiful dick in this city. You could be heading towards a fake address. You could be on your way to a man who’s been waiting for years on you. TC mark

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  • amputee

    I became an amputee during a Craigslist meetup with some psycho, so now I can be your Craigslist amputee fetish hookup.

    • guest

      stupid

  • Paula

    “But hotels cost money and if you wanted to spend money on sex, you would have stayed straight and gone to hookers instead of turning yourself gay.” I love Gian.

  • http://topologyoftheimpossible.com M. Kitchell

    this is awesome

    • http://topologyoftheimpossible.com M. Kitchell

      also, this article has provided me with the confidence i need to experiment with craigslist in my small, shitty, horrendous town (lol hope i don't get murdered guys i am in the midwest)

      • DiTrapano

        You won't get murdered. You'll get laid. Abandon all fear.

  • PERFECTCIRCLES

    So tell us what happened! Did you get murdered or f-cked or both?

    • DiTrapano

      What do you think happened? I murdered him.

      • PERFECTCIRCLES

        Classic Craigslist double cross.

      • DiTrapano

        This piece is total bait. Trying to reassure anyone on the fence that it's “safe” to meet someone online and then there I am, waiting to murder.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      Double trouble

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