There’s this thing about leaving that actually bugs me every time. What does it mean to abandon someone? To leave the one you claimed to love? To throw away every piece of history you once had with that person?
I remember, I’ve spent tireless nights crying over pieces of us. I kept on picking up every bit of it until both my entire hands bled—until I’m left with nothing else but the memory of us. Part of me wanted to let go of this memory but I cannot seem to let loose of my grip on it.
I knew if I would let go, it meant letting go of everything that once made me the happiest. That’s when I knew you were my greatest heartache.
You see, you broke me when I thought I was resilient enough to stand no matter what. I always believed that I was stronger, more solid and more capable—that I could survive any season of fall. But after you hurt me, I began questioning myself. I ended up thinking that it was all made up in my head.
I constantly wondered if it was all a lie and you just came to cause me pain. If I was really meant to be hurt but just turned a blind eye to it all.
I should have seen all of it the first time I saw you. I should have looked closer, enough to see the danger that was written all over your face. However, when you pierced your eyes through me, I was hooked.
So now it’s too late. I’ve already broken myself.
Do you want to know what pained me the most? The fact that you robbed the person who will love me next the woundless and easy love I should have offered. Because of you I could no longer love him with an innocent heart—free from scratches and wounds.
Nonetheless, I am hurt but I do not regret crossing paths with you—for I realized that someone could show you how beautiful life is and is still capable of breaking you in the end. You made me realize that someone could love you with all their heart, make you smile from ear-to-ear, give you the universe, never get tired of writing about you and still cause you so much pain afterwards.
As much as I wanted to crawl back in your arms and hear you whisper back all the words that we used to say, I could no longer allow myself to be hurt.
I could only save myself the sting of untangling your fingers from mine. I could only save myself from being more broken than I already am. The last thing I could do is to save myself for the person who is really meant for me—to reserve myself for the person who will arrive with the purpose of loving me entirely, even though I’m no longer the same person as before.
So, despite of all that’s happened, I am still grateful for you. I am still thankful that you arrived because it allowed me to experience the cold, misty rain first so I could appreciate the sunny rainbow afterwards.