With 6 weeks left in my college career, I made a mistake that is going to end an amazing friendship — a friendship with someone I admire both as a person and as a professional. A friendship that just so happens to be with my roommate.
I don’t know if I did it because I like to ruin what’s good in my life, or because I like to cause self-inflicted pain, but the first weekend back from spring break, I slept with my roommates brother and attempted to cover it up. He snuck out of my window, and when asked if we had hooked up, my simple response was no.
It took less than 24 hours to uncover the truth. Following a simple, “I don’t want this to be awkward…but did you hook up with my brother?” text was an intricate apology followed by an obvious “Yes.” Amongst the lack of communication was the promise of a preserved friendship, but an angered silence.
Let me tell you about the timeline of this situation: for two days I tiptoed around my house as to not disturb any peace. After all, I was the reason for any awkward, unwanted attention. 100-percent to blame; 0-percent right.
For those two days, I gave her the space she needed until she finally asked to talk on the third morning. We sat down to talk and she asked me why a night out with her family had to lead to sex? And it’s a point I’m still pondering myself. She told me she felt betrayed because I had lied, but felt even worse because of my “obvious disrespect” of our friendship.
I groveled for forgiveness, and tried to explain the complexity of my confusion. Why did I sleep with her brother? Why did I lie? Probably because of my own selfish insecurities. But unfortunately admitting your insecurities doesn’t come so easy to someone who puts on a strong face every day.
I wish she could understand the way my stomach turned as he climbed out of my bedroom window. The sheer disappointment I felt and still feel in myself, and the incomprehensible regret I feel for betraying and lying to her. The fear I felt when confronted about the hookup – a fear of a friendship lost.
I don’t expect her to respect me. I don’t expect our friendship to piece back together – perfectly, if at all. I don’t expect her to ever forget this train wreck. But I do hope for forgiveness. Today is Green Beer Day, an epic event at my university – I won’t be celebrating with my best friends.
As I sit alone in my bedroom, I realize that blackouts don’t excuse the pain you cause on others. Apologies don’t stitch broken situations. And even after you’ve apologized, there’s really nothing else you can do but wait for acceptance.