When You Hear A Voice In Your Head Saying ‘You’re The Fuckable Girl, Not The One They’ll Commit To’

Whenever I meet a guy, it starts off well, they act like they like me and then something goes wrong along the way. Whether that be them reminding me that I’m not good enough/not girlfriend material, or me deciding that my relationship commitment issues matter more to me. The constant trying to not get too involved with anybody, to not let down those barriers I worked ever so hard to protect me. It got to the point where I would shoot a guy down, in the most polite possible way, the moment he told me he had some sort of feelings for me because what would be the point in getting involved in somebody who was just going to hurt me anyway? And I think that’s the saddest part of all.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to play the victim card, I just know too many people in the same situation as I am.

So, what happens when you meet someone who you decide to finally and slowly let down those barriers with? Your barriers fight back and tell you that you can pretend enough that things will be ok with this one, but in reality they’ll just hurt you like everyone else.

I look at myself and see an attractive, intelligent, interesting and (sometimes) humourous young woman who gives so much of a shit. I feel like all of the people who fucked me over in the past don’t deserve me, and that anybody who likes me and I like them back are lucky because I don’t let myself feel that way often and I have so much to give if it actually went right. What people in this generation don’t seem to realise that it’s not about the prize, it’s about how you act during the race. It’s not about what could happen at the end of a relationship, that only leads to there being a definite ending, it’s about what fun you have and memories you make along the way together.

I met a guy who, for the first time in a good while, I actually felt myself wanting to let those barriers down with. I actually felt myself want to be with. I actually told my family about him. More shockingly, I introduced him to my friends. When I’m with him I can’t not smile when I hear his distinctive laugh, and I can’t not talk to him every day because I just want to hear how his day goes on. We don’t have to talk all the time, I just enjoy being in his company and presence. I enjoy having someone I can go to museums and art galleries with, who enjoys them as much as me. When I see his name in my notifications on my phone I can’t not smile, and I always look forward to the next time I will be in his company.

But what do you do, when the guy you finally like doesn’t want to get into a relationship with you ‘yet’? I have no fucking clue. I’m usually the person who fucks things off the moment I decide to feel shit, but I can’t with this one. I don’t want to never see him again or give him his hoodies back that remind me of him and make me smile when I wear them. I hear alarm bells ring in my mind, telling me that I’m just going to get hurt again. I hear voices telling me that it’s just because I’m not good enough, that I’m still the girl who is fuckable but not commitable, that’s good company and reliable, just not girlfriend material. Being asked to wait for someone is a tricky game. I’m torn between being the girl who is above waiting for somebody who might not even want me in the end, and being the girl who waits and something great could come out of it.