As weed slowly becomes legal, gay rights move steadily forward, and Flo Rida remains the only constant in the world, men as a whole must rethink their age old beliefs.
We don’t live in February 1997 anymore so its time for all real men to face the music (the music can be AC/DC or Ariana Grande or both!) and move into the modern age.
Here are eleven modern male myths that will force you to question the very idea of manhood.
1. Pectorals are sexier than bar trivia knowledge
Until 2007 they were you ignoramus! Then for a brief period the left trapezius muscle was all the rage, but now nothing makes women ovulate like bar trivia knowledge.
No woman can deny the sexy wit of a man who names his team “Mathlete’s Foot.” Women will flock to you like soccer moms to an Imagine Dragons concert the second you correctly answer, “Which Madonna song features Prince on guitar?”
And the answer is “Like a Prayer” LOSER!
Imagine a man who can be seven beers deep and STILL know Kazakhstan changed its capital from Almaty to Astana in 1997. That man is never depressed or single.
2. Peeing while sitting down is LAME
If you don’t read for at least 25 minutes a day on the toilet you are intellectually falling behind all
other men. After watching Greg discuss Tolstoy’s “War and Peace” while slowly stroking Jennifer’s hair you will regret your antiquated urination techniques.
What are you in such a hurry for anyways? Enjoy the ambience and the quiet rustle of the toilet bowl water. Such pleasant moments make life worth living.
3. Women are easily impressed by guitarists
After years of believing the slanderous lie that it was ‘hard’ to play “Wonderwall” the women of
the world have seen the light. They won’t even touch your shoulder after a mostly out of tune rendition of “Your Body is a Wonderland” or “Santeria.”
All college girls want to hear these days is Slash’s blistering outro solo from the 1989 Guns N’ Roses classic “Paradise City.” On acoustic of course. Being a mediocre guitar player who still gets the ladies is no longer possible.
Unless you write a killer song titled “Your Body is a Wonderwall,” then Beyonce will rethink her marriage.
4. Keg stands are cool
Every second a man spends held aloft over a keg of Natural Lite beer is thirty less times he will have sex, according to 2005 study by God Almighty Himself.
And keg stands make you impotent.
Well, they don’t really, but let’s tell everyone they do so Kenneth stops bragging about his “EPIC 128 SECOND KEG STAND!” at his sister’s high school graduation party. Which, if you are counting, equates to 3,840 fewer times Kenneth will make whoopie.
5. Football is no longer THE ‘man sport’
RIGHT ON dude. How did you hear that? That’s some top secret man stuff right there. Only Clooney and Romney know about this.
With the recent domestic violence, child abuse and concussion scandals, football is OUT.
Most men are now huge PBA fans. When’s the last time you heard of a Professional Bowling Association scandal?
This year any self-respecting modern man will throw a “SUPER BOWLING” party on September 1st for the 50th Anniversary Barbasol Tournament of Champions. You’ll have to pay extra for the Bowling Channel because of its raging popularity.
Watching Chris “Normal Average Guy Who Still Works a Second Job” Barnes rack up turkey after turkey will make you forget the Seagulls played the New Jersey Patriots in the Super Bore.
6. Girls love ‘bad boys’
‘Bad Boys’ went out of style before the 117th Congress! These days most girls request a criminal background check before saying, ‘Hello, whats your astrological sign?’
If she digs up anything worse than a littering ticket you are going home alone. As you deserve. 8. Men don’t cry
Don’t you read GQ? In their August 2008 issue all the men voted (except you apparently) that we can cry during Toy Story 3and when our pets die (except ferrets).
7. Men shouldn’t cook
Hey fellow dudes! Let’s give the ladies a break in the kitchen. FOREVER.
Roll up those man sleeves, crack open the latest issue of Bon Appetit, dice some noodles, mince some white bread, puree some waffles I don’t know how to cook yet either. But we men will figure it out ourselves.
Move out of the way ladies, this is a man’s kitchen now. Also please tell us what’s happening in the bowling tournament while we are in the kitchen.
8. Dick jokes are funny
The last original dick joke was told on October 17th, 1987 by Rodney Dangerfield.
Can we stop talking about our penises for three years and maybe talk about hemorrhoids or something intelligent okay guys?
9. The Friend Zone
The only thing that exists is the “I’m a Whiny Little Boy Who Is Unable to Express His Feelings and Thinks He Deserves Physical Intimacy Merely For Being Kind of Nice Zone.”
The Friend Zone is like keeping an HD TV in its box and wondering why it won’t show the Super Bowl even though you pet it sometimes.