If, like most millennials, you find yourself without a personality or niche social justice issue, puns are an easy way to appear like a well-rounded human being.
Pepper in a few well-crafted puns into any conversation and the other 98% of your words don’t really matter at all.
Here’s how to make a splash in the Puncific Ocean (NEVER SAY THAT EVER, OH MY GOD I’M SORRY DAD)
1. Ask yourself why you are writing a pun.
Is it to impress Susan, age 25, whom you matched with on Tinder? If so, this is a tight decision. Puns are the new ‘in’ aphrodisiac – high-paying careers are out! But if you are trying to impress the Pharmacy Master’s Degree program at Phoenix University puns are not so tight.
2. Think of words that end with ‘er’ – i.e. Lobster and Painter.
Then mumble to yourself, “Lobst-her, I hardly know her!” Now slap yourself. Forget this foolish action. Never do this again. Rinse Dove Anti-Bacterial Soap in your mouth immediately. Swallow all the soap. Vomit everywhere and then do it again to cleanse yourself of this vile sin. Such devilish puns are illegal in 43 states.
3. Now travel to Killarney, Ireland via Boeing 737, NOT 747.
There is a bar named the Salt House downtown. Imbibe six Guinnesses before scrawling indecipherable graffitti on the Salt House’s eastern wall with Macaroni Yellow Roseart crayons. Now triple jump to Mr. Kilpatrick’s farm on the outskirts of town. He will whisper how to write a pun for a nominal fee and a clever anti-British joke. Then swim home. Otherwise you will never understand puns.
4. If unable to afford a spontaneous trip to Killarney, use this classic pun as a template for all your future endeavours.
“One time I went to Uzbekistan to return a blanket. I told the cashier, “I wanted a red blanket, but this AFGHAN IS TAN.’” Try to top that one loser.
5. Prepare yourself for waves of women cascading upon your shores after you uncork your first radical pun.
“Hey, girl are you into furniture? Cause I’ll give you an arm mwah.” – *Tomorrow’s headlines* – Bey Leaves Jay, Searches For Pun Lord!!
6. Grow a beard.
Puns sound better echoing off a bearded man or woman’s mouth. If you are a bearded woman you have already won the upcoming Pun War.
7. Think of a universal category, like “North Atlantic Whales.”
Now bring up “North Atlantic Whales” in conversation (EASY, they are always in the news) – Example – “Hey so what do you normally do at high school dances? I usually HUMP BACKS.” Your friend is now your lover and passerby on the street will give you a solid pat on the back.
8. Download Tinder.
Otherwise known as “The Only Place You Can Successfully Use Puns in Place of an Actual Personality.”
9. Steal all your puns from memes and regurgitate them to Amish folks.
Once they hear “Reese Withoutherspoon” they will make you their king – or whatever rules Amish people. Along with electricity and polio vaccines they are also two centuries behind in pun-related innovations. It will be like Cortes demonstrating gunpowder to the Aztecs.
10. Once you craft a killer pun, keep it to yourself.
Never tell it to a soul. This will make the world a better place. If you hold every pun inside your head until your final day you will make it to heaven. That is a 100% guarantee.