12 More Useful Online Dating Sites
Online dating sites have failed the average consumer. Their search categories are TOO DAMN BROAD. Its not enough to know that all the site’s users are farmers. What if I’m attracted to farmers who prefer the British version of ‘The Office’ instead of the American version?
Since everyone has such specific sexual preferences why not narrow the playing field? Sure there might only be seven other users on IGoToTheGroceryStoreOnlyToReadTheGossipMagazinesInTheCheckoutLineToo.com But you will know all seven of them are your soulmates.
Here are more dating websites that could save love!
1. I’mWillingToChangeEverythingAboutMyselfForARelationship.com
Don’t like yourself? Perfect. No one else does either!
Join our website and you can become exactly what another lonely loser desires. If ‘Heather, 27’ wants a ‘Tall, tan, Spanish hairdresser named León Guzman,’ we will sign you up for Spanish classes at night, cosmetology school during the day and even pay the $275 legal fee to officially become a ‘Tall, tan, Spanish hairdresser named León Guzman.’”
True love is as simple as changing your entire persona, which is what ‘Grease’ taught us.
2. IAlwaysPreferredDigimonOverPokemon.com
For the freaks of the world who wouldn’t know an Articuno from a Zapydos and had clearly have serious attachment issues..
Fine, fall in love and talk about Digimon, which are stupid, dumb robots only loved by stupid, dumb people. But please don’t procreate. Lord knows this world has enough degenerates already.
3. Jif™SmoothPeanutButterLovers.com*
Tired of buying TWO different types of peanut butter to satisfy your ridiculous ‘chunky peanut butter’ loving sex mate? And let’s not even get started on those #*@#s who buy Skippy peanut butter!
On Jif™SmoothPeanutButterLovers.com you can find your soulmate in a Jif! Choosy lovers choose Jif™SmoothPeanutButterLovers.com
For those whose love life is in a jam. A website dedicated to helping those jelly of all their happily married friends and who also love awful puns.
4. SingleCivilWarReenactors.com
Also known as CivilWarReenactors.com
5. TheWorldIsEndingSoonSoLetsF#@&.com
If history has proven one thing, its that there is no aphrodisiac quite like an imaginary impending apocalypse. Find orgasmic carnal delight in an underground fortified bunker near you!
6. IDontCareHowZippersWorkEither.com
For those who don’t know much about life and don’t want to learn more. Users can look forward to long generic conversations about local sports teams and the upcoming weather with their equally uncurious partners.
7. I’mNotReligiousI’mSpiritual.com
Previously IEnjoyHallucinogenicMushrooms.com. Before registering, users must present receipts from seventeen indie music festivals or spirituality conferences in California, Tibet or Oregon.
Profile pictures must be a kaleidescope image of swirling colors with a misattributed Buddha quote as the caption.
8. GuysLookingForGirlsWithDaddyIssues.com
Check out our sister website GirlsTryingToFindJustOneGuyWithoutDaddyIssues.com.
9. PeopleWhoKnowAllTheWordsToBillyJoel’s“WeDidn’tStartTheFire”.com
Not compatible with users of PeopleWhoKnowAllTheWordsToREM’s“ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAsWeKnowIt”.com
If users from these two sites meet, the sun will implode.
10. IBeatYourBoyfriendAtTriviaCrack.com
Your boyfriend didn’t even know “What colony belonged to Belgium until 1960?” Democratic Republic of Congo idiot?!
Do you really still want to be seen in public with such an uncultured moron? Find the guy who murdered your boyfriend at Trivia Crack. He’ll probably be on Jeopardy one day, so just wait a few years and you two will be comfortably rich.
11. WeBothJustNeedSomeoneToBringHomeForTheHolidaysSoTheRelativesQuitAsking
IfWeAreGay.com
12. PeopleWhoFinishedInfiniteJest.com
Now you don’t have to assert your intelligence by using words like ‘apocopes,’ ‘thigmotactic,’ and ‘fulvous’ while talking to a bank teller!
You can now use these completely unnecessary words in the comfort of your own home while discussing the difference between postmodernism and postpost modernism.
Finally, you can find an amanuensis who loves your cyanosis and won’t malentendu you.