Online dating is scary enough without vague, pointless phrases making awful people appear strangely appealing.
Given the choice between “I’m kind of weird” and “I dress up American Girl Dolls like Eleanor Roosevelt and drown them in my bathtub while listening to Sheryl Crow’s second album,” I’ll take the second option every time.
At least then I know who has the exact same fetish.
The following common online dating profile phrases explain nothing about your personality besides that you don’t have one. They should never be written unless you desire eternal loneliness.
1. “I like to have fun”
Wow! All my other relationships faltered because my girlfriends only wanted to lay in a whitewashed room and memorize prime numbers. I can’t believe there are other real, live people out there who also like fun! I thought that was just a made up Hollywood fantasy!
Equally horrifying is, “I like Fun. Especially “We are Young””
2. “My friends and family are very important”
Please include their names and numbers so I can contact them. If you are THIS interesting, I can hardly wait to meet them! Who knew that everyone you have ever interacted with could play an important part in your life?!
Also, this is an automatic turnoff to the large single orphans demographic.
3. “How should I start this?”
ANY OTHER WAY.
Variations include “I never know how to start these things” or “What should I say?” or “Here’s a little bit about me” (thanks for clarifying what the ‘About Me’ headline means!)
These are thoughts that we, the general public, keep INSIDE our head. There isn’t a ticking time bomb for composing your online dating profile “Oh God, what do I say, what do I say, I guess I like strawberries, and, NOOOOOOO, DON’T TAKE MY FAMILY!!! I SWEAR I’LL REMEMBER MY FAVORITE BOOK! JUST GIVE ME SEVEN MORE MINUTES!”
4. “Music is my favorite”
Typically this is followed by, “I love the Beatles.”
I guessed as much from your profile picture where you were still breathing. Do you also like sunshine and free candy and winning lottery tickets? Wow, I feel like we have known each other for many centuries already.
Who knew one person could have so many deep thoughts?
5. “I love Netflix”
The modern equivalent of, ‘I get around by riding horses.’
Also, isn’t it hilarious to confuse real marathons with Netflix marathons?!
6. “I’m a foodie. I eat food every day!”
We’re perfect for each other! I’m a blinker!
Do you also enjoy the Krebs Cycle where our body breaks down glycogen into glucose as usable energy?
Or are you one of the those photosynthesis gals?
Want to get together sometime and perform meiosis?
7. “Obsessed with ‘Game of Thrones’”
You could have just written, “I’m white.” This will also clarify how ‘obsessed’ you are with Harry Potter as well.
Young adult males also do not need to list ‘Fight Club.’
No one would complain about the word ‘obsessed’ being retired forever either. Ted Bundy was obsessed, you are not.
8. “Can’t live without my family”
This is not a revealing life tidbit, but simply a fact of genetics. Congratulations on learning how humans reproduce.
9. “I’m the best at sarcasm”
And I’m the best at hopping on trendy emotions! Do you celebrate Throwback Thursday every week too?? But in a semi-ironic way by posting ultrasound photos?!
Maybe we can wear matching tshirts from Kohl’s that say, “Sarcasm Just one of my many talents”?
I’m even better at sarcasm - I don’t understand how you are single.
10. “I’m pretty much up for anything”
Sneaking across the Iran border? Kidnapping children in the middle of the night and teaching them swear words before silently returning them to their parents? Ordering 73 large pizzas to every local church? No?
Don’t tease my imagination.
11. “I’m shy until you get to know me”
The timeless Online Dating Paradox.
How does someone get to know someone who does not want to become known? Such
a maddening paradox made Socrates kill himself.
Translation: “I’m boring until I trick you into becoming emotionally invested.”
12. “I’m not in this just for hookups”
But I am in this to post halfnaked photos taken in broad daylight by my bedroom
window. Don’t read into that though. No kissing until we are married because Jesus is my spirit animal.