
Online dating is scary enough without vague, pointless phrases making awful people appear strangely appealing.
Given the choice between âIâm kind of weirdâ and âI dress up American Girl Dolls like Eleanor Roosevelt and drown them in my bathtub while listening to Sheryl Crowâs second album,â Iâll take the second option every time.
At least then I know who has the exact same fetish.
The following common online dating profile phrases explain nothing about your personality besides that you donât have one. They should never be written unless you desire eternal loneliness.
1. âI like to have funâ
Wow! All my other relationships faltered because my girlfriends only wanted to lay in a whiteÂwashed room and memorize prime numbers. I canât believe there are other real, live people out there who also like fun! I thought that was just a made up Hollywood fantasy!
Equally horrifying is, “I like Fun. Especially âWe are Youngâ”
2. âMy friends and family are very importantâ
Please include their names and numbers so I can contact them. If you are THIS interesting, I can hardly wait to meet them! Who knew that everyone you have ever interacted with could play an important part in your life?!
Also, this is an automatic turnÂoff to the large single orphans demographic.
3. âHow should I start this?â
ANY OTHER WAY.
Variations include âI never know how to start these thingsâ or âWhat should I say?â or âHereâs a little bit about meâ (thanks for clarifying what the âAbout Meâ headline means!)
These are thoughts that we, the general public, keep INSIDE our head. There isn’t a ticking time bomb for composing your online dating profile  âOh God, what do I say, what do I say, I guess I like strawberries, and, NOOOOOOO, DONâT TAKE MY FAMILY!!! I SWEAR IâLL REMEMBER MY FAVORITE BOOK! JUST GIVE ME SEVEN MORE MINUTES!â
4. âMusic is my favoriteâ
Typically this is followed by, âI love the Beatles.â
I guessed as much from your profile picture where you were still breathing. Do you also like sunshine and free candy and winning lottery tickets? Wow, I feel like we have known each other for many centuries already.
Who knew one person could have so many deep thoughts?
5. âI love Netflixâ
The modern equivalent of, âI get around by riding horses.â
Also, isn’t it hilarious to confuse real marathons with Netflix marathons?!
6. âIâm a foodie. I eat food every day!â
Weâre perfect for each other! Iâm a blinker!
Do you also enjoy the Krebs Cycle where our body breaks down glycogen into glucose as usable energy?
Or are you one of the those photosynthesis gals?
Want to get together sometime and perform meiosis?
7. âObsessed with âGame of Thronesââ
You could have just written, âIâm white.â This will also clarify how âobsessedâ you are with Harry Potter as well.
Young adult males also do not need to list âFight Club.â
No one would complain about the word ‘obsessed’ being retired forever either. Ted Bundy was obsessed, you are not.
8. âCanât live without my familyâ
This is not a revealing life tidbit, but simply a fact of genetics. Congratulations on learning how humans reproduce.
9. âIâm the best at sarcasmâ
And Iâm the best at hopping on trendy emotions! Do you celebrate Throwback Thursday every week too?? But in a semiÂ-ironic way by posting ultrasound photos?!
Maybe we can wear matching tÂshirts from Kohl’s that say, “Sarcasm  Just one of my many talents”?
Iâm even better at sarcasm Â- I donât understand how you are single.
10. âI’m pretty much up for anythingâ
Sneaking across the Iran border? Kidnapping children in the middle of the night and teaching them swear words before silently returning them to their parents? Ordering 73 large pizzas to every local church? No?
Donât tease my imagination.
11. âIâm shy until you get to know meâ
The timeless Online Dating Paradox.
How does someone get to know someone who does not want to become known? Such
a maddening paradox made Socrates kill himself.
Translation: Â âIâm boring until I trick you into becoming emotionally invested.â
12. âIâm not in this just for hookÂupsâ
But I am in this to post halfÂnaked photos taken in broad daylight by my bedroom
window. Donât read into that though. No kissing until we are married because Jesus is my spirit animal.