It’s a Monday. (Truly it can be any day, but for this scenario were sticking with good old fashioned Margarita Monday). It’s a Monday and your coworkers convinced you to go out for drinks after work to blow off some steam; to live a little. You’ve had a hell of a day, your feet are tired, you don’t think you’ll survive even one shot of tequila, but you decide to live up that youth people keep telling you will fade away soon and give it a go.
You get to the Mexican restaurant and all of a sudden you’ve survived that first tequila shot. You’ve survived so well in fact that you’ve been convinced (mainly by yourself) that three or four more of those shots seem like a grand idea and you’ll be happy as a clam.
Turns out you were right. You are the happiest clam of all.
You’re learning, and utterly butchering, the dancing style of bachata, making eyes with not only the servers but also the bus boys and devouring what tastes like the best guacamole you’ve ever had in your guac-eating life. And then all of a sudden, those eyes you were making with one of the servers, becomes a real life situation. Somehow between shot four and five of that sweet agave nectar, a new strange tongue has found its way down your throat.
You don’t do this often, or maybe you do, but you feel it in your heart and more importantly, your pants: you’re about to have a one night stand.
Here are the 5 tips to successfully and safely enjoy a one night stand:
1. Text a friend. Or call. Email. Skype. IM. Fax. You get the picture.
I’m all about living in the moment and following your heart (vagina), but I’m definitely not about becoming wall art in some dudes basement just because I couldn’t keep it in my pants long enough to send a quick text. Make sure at least one person knows where you are and knows that you are safe. In the morning, (if you had an adult sleepover of course), text said friend and be like, “Yo! I made it!” and then get breakfast, or most likely lunch together so you can share the dirty details and gross him/her out.
2. Wear protection. Condoms. Two Condoms. Six Condoms. Four hundred condoms.
This one is legit and to be honest, something a lot of us do not do in this day and age (myself included). It is crazy to me how we literally just meet these people and therefore can in no way have built any trust for them, but yet seem to trust them enough to be clean as a whistle in the downtown area. It’s just not realistic. And trust me, unless you’re the smartest, most sensible person ever, or for some strange reason think sex feels better with a condom (ew), you’re probably going to slip up, especially if you’ve been drinking. But just try, for the sake of crabs, chlamydia and genital warts, just try. (Also, do not use more than one condom at one time. That was a joke.)
3. Be Comfortable. Take your shoes off. Stay a while.
Every situation is going to be different. Some one night stands are all passion and no talking and it’s literally straight to the bedroom, bing bang boom and its done. But more than likely, there’s going to be some kind of conversation going on. If you’re at your place, offer them a drink or a piece of bread or some form of sustenance so you both have the energy to pull this all-nighter-sexathon you’re about to enter.
If you’re at their place, make yourself at home. Don’t do the gross things we all do at home when nobody is around, but don’t be an awkward nervous nelly either, sitting in the corner talking about cats and poetry, because those are clearly your go to’s when the nerves hit. You’re about to sex this man/woman/creature for gods sake! Be yourself!
4. Know your limits.
Don’t tell Lindsey Lohan in Mean Girls, but the limit definitely exists.
This person (and I have no idea why I said creature earlier, but now were sticking with it) is by all means a stranger. Yes, you may have talked for hours on end at the bar earlier that night and you know small general things about them, but all in all they are still practically a stranger to you. For example, most human beings have either seen or heard of the sexual phenomenon that is Fifty Shades of Grey. Don’t get me wrong, I like when things get a little intense, but if some dude I just met was like “Welcome to my home, would you like me to tie you to my bed and shove metal balls inside of you as a form of pleasure,” I would be freaked the f*** out. Then again, someone else may be extremely excited for such an adventure.
The point is, most of us have our limits and like I said earlier, you want to be comfortable. If something this person wants to do to you makes you feel anything but, perhaps this isn’t the one night stand for you. Text that friend from earlier and go eat a pizza. Pizza would never shove anything but doughy happiness inside of you.
5. ENJOY YOURSELF.
I hate to be a feminist here, but girls/women stop judging yourself for doing the things that you want to do! Do you like sex? Did you make the adult decision to go make sweet stranger love with the hot man bun dude you met five hours ago? If you’re the person who does like sex and would take hot man bun dude home, you shouldn’t feel bad about that, especially in a moment where you’re supposed to be feeling so good. Don’t worry about what your friends are going to think about you.
A. If you have the kind of friends who are going to judge you for a one night stand, why are they your friends? And that’s not saying they’re bad people, but they may just not be the type of people for you.
And B. You shouldn’t be thinking about anything else during this sexual adventure! Be in the moment and enjoy yourself.
Some people think of sex as more than just one night stands. That sex should be beautiful and with the person you love or truly care about. And that truly is a lovely way to think of it. And some people think of sex as just that, sex. Two bodies coming together to make each other feel good and experience the joys of the human body. Neither is wrong and neither should be looked upon as so.
If you want to go have a one night stand, do it! But if by the end of Margarita Monday, after you’ve bachata’d your way into that servers heart, you don’t feel like going home with him and finding out what’s underneath that apron, don’t. Get his number and ask him to go on a date. Or just leave and smile because you had a great Monday night, with memories you’ll never forget, and you did exactly what you wanted to do.