Blame it on one too many Sex and the City reruns I’ve been watching lately or the glass of cheap tequila I have in my hand right now, but I think it’s about time I write some shit down for the sake of men and women who are clueless about what they should be doing post-hookup. I’m going to go ahead and say that this is probably one of those B-minus, crappy articles you’ll likely regret reading, but I won’t apologize for wasting your time. Who knows — you might pick up a thing or two from what I’m about to say.
A few minutes after
Any attempt at cuddling is a deal breaker.
When you’re both all sweaty and out of breath and still trying to bring your heart rate back to normal post a universe-blasting fuck, cuddling or being sweet is out of the equation. If you’re having the urge to snuggle up, strike down those cuddly feelings real quick before your limbs act otherwise. Cuddling post-sex should be reserved only for someone you actually have a commitment with, not for hookups. Most people just want to enjoy the last strains of ecstasy in silence; some would even turn their backs on you afterwards. Others would light a cig and even pretend you’re not there. They’re detached like that and not cut out for cuddling post-sex, so keep your hugs to yourself.
Start a light conversation (if you can’t stay quiet).
If you really want to at least talk to this person for a good few minutes, then steer the conversation away from personal stuff. Like feelings. Or having kids. Or “what do you think about relationships” and “are you loyal” questions. Don’t even start with “when I’m in a relationship, I do this, I do that” shit hoping that they would look at you in a new light. No, just no. If it’s clear to both of you right from the start that it was just a hookup, then don’t force the friendship or make it any deeper than what it really is. It’s not going to happen.
Just get it over with.
Smoke, browse through Facebook, check Twitter, or do other things to pass the time, then get up, take a shower, and leave. Give them a peck on the cheek before you disappear, though. If they’re smart, they’ll get that as a “thanks, that was nice” peck.
When you get home post-hookup
Send them a one-sentence message or none at all.
Emphasis on one sentence. If you really want to message them when you get home, it’s fine. But keep it short and simple, like “Hey, thanks for tonight!” or “Thanks, hope you get home safe!” Never go along the lines of “Let’s do it again tomorrow” or “Dinner next week?” please. Actually, it’s much, much better to not message them at all. Most people prefer zero communication right after a hookup, unless they’re really interested in you. Just like cuddling and talking post-sex, a message isn’t really necessary in this case.
Don’t initiate or entertain a lengthy conversation replaying your sack session.
Okay, so some may ask you to rate their performance or even go into a blow-by-blow detail of what they liked most about the stuff that you just did. Don’t be the one to do the playback and avoid it at all costs if they initiate it. The sex itself is already tiring; you don’t need to exhaust yourself all over again by chatting about it on your phone. Go to sleep, will you. Or go back to work, if it happened midday.
A week or two later
You don’t have to be friends with them.
Hopefully, you haven’t gone into the friendship zone by this time because that seriously sucks. If they were already your friend before getting it on, then all good — stay friends. But if, prior to the hookup, they were just an acquaintance or someone you met from Tinder or other online dating app, then stay away (until the next sack session, that is). Your relationship doesn’t have to extend beyond the four corners of a bedroom. Read: no Good Morning stickers or emojis or photos of yourself or what you’re doing or where you’re at. You don’t need to know what’s going on with their life, and they don’t need to be clued in on what’s happening with yours. You don’t have to be friends with the people you hook up with. Keep in mind that you were two strangers before this whole hookup thing, and life was great before that, so it’s meant to stay that way. Practice total detachment because some hookups tend to teeter on the dangerous edge of what we call feelings. And we all know that it gets real messy from there.
If it was a motherfucking OMG-what-was-that-you-can’t-even-call-that-fucking fuck, forget it.
Otherwise, feel free to do it again. But don’t forget these tips. They’re all pretty basic, but we need a little reminding sometimes. Cheers!