How To Get Over The One You Didn’t Actually Love

Woman in knitted cardigan sitting by the palm tree boulevard at Ocean Beach Pier
Claude Piché / Unsplash

You met online, you texted back and forth for weeks, until he invited you to dinner. He was good at communicating and likes the same TV shows as you: in the back of your mind you keep asking yourself, “is he the one?

He held your hand and it felt just right, but not electric. Every date was fun, but you increasingly spent time together at home.

Over time you got used to it, and a routine emerged. But in a matter of months, you skipped the butterflies and went straight to comfort.

Sundays were movie date days, and on Tuesdays he was extra busy with work, so you cook at home.

Then suddenly you feel it… that feeling of almost impending doom. Some people call it women’s intuition. But, that comfort wasn’t working because it wasn’t love.

And then, it deteriorates, as the two of you don’t put into the relationship as much as you take. Maybe he doesn’t kiss you goodbye before work, or he doesn’t call you before going to sleep. You forget to plan the next date just before he goes on a trip for the weekend.

He doesn’t call and the morning message you wake up to isn’t there today. Something has changed, something is missing.

It ends swiftly, maybe with tears, or a pint of ice cream (or wine). No matter what, you can’t shake the fact that you feel confused. If I didn’t love him, why do I feel sad?

You talk to friend after friend, searching for an answer. After weeks of replaying what went wrong, you turn to the internet: “how do I get over him?”. Ice cream? Check! Spend time with friends? Check! Working out? Maybe next week I’m still mourning.

There are words of encouragement that help you pull together, but they won’t make the sadness go away. The only way that helped me, was finally understanding what I was feeling.

When we feel like we long for someone that we only had lukewarm feelings about its because our bodies register the experience as unfinished business.

Finding love isn’t the easy part but loving someone is—when it’s the right someone. You feel sad because you lost a piece of love. It may not have been the whole pie, but a piece of you experienced love. Holding his hand felt right because you were comfortable and comforted. Every date went well, and you had fun because you genuinely had a connection.

So maybe you didn’t love him as greatly as the last guy, but the seeds were planted. And a part of you felt like, maybe, it could have worked if you both really tried. Or else, it’s very likely that you wouldn’t have stayed invested for so long… remember all those other profiles you ghosted?

So, to answer my first question, was he the one? Maybe? Probably not. But even if you didn’t love him, love is something that you earn. It appears out of nowhere, but it arrives for a reason, and when you find it, you’ll know that you made the right choice.

Make the difficult decisions to make room for better things. Who knows, maybe the next time you sit down for dinner, he’ll make your heart flutter and maybe he’s ready to be the one. TC mark

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