When You Confuse A Lesson For A Soulmate

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Hillary Boles

I had a tumultuous life. I was loved, left and I learned to loved again. I had good friends, bad friends and best friends. I was no prom queen and no geeky girl that gets hot over the years, but I was always “kind of hot, but really pretty”.

Around the age of 17, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t like all my beautiful friends; we were in high school and everyone started losing weight. I felt like everyone had joined a club I wasn’t allowed into. 

So, normally, between my mind which kept letting me know every day that I was fat and the mirror which showed a little weight here, a little there, I was trapped into a cage of self-disgust and low self-esteem. I began looking up ways to lose weight fast and boost up my self-love and the first thing I found amazed me.

Thousands of little girls throwing up, forming a community that was surprisingly similar to my cage.

My very own club that everyone else wasn’t allowed into and all I had to do was think of myself as fat. 

I now see how desperate I was.

I still don’t always think highly of myself (who does?) but it’s a start and I would never let my baby sisters get into that. I’ve been there. There isn’t a limit. There isn’t any closure; after you’ve lost the weight you wanted to lose in the first place you reach a new state of mind which really fucked me up; I didn’t see the problem with myself. 

Then a boy came along.

He was sweet and hot and we talked a lot before going out. I liked the music he listened to because he was just as fucked up like me. Or so I thought. Or so he told me. 

I took the liberty to open up to him; at that point, I pretty much thought of this guy as my best friend, a perfect fit. I hadn’t told any of my friends about my little problem, so this was such a huge step for me. At the time, I was sure I was making the right thing. 

After a couple of months, he just stopped talking to me; we didn’t hang out much, but we would talk online for hours. He didn’t even blew me off with silly excuses, he just stopped talking. 

I took the hints and stopped messaging him, thinking he was just another stranger I shared my life with and would never see again. I even forgot about him for a while until, out of the blue, he asked me out; as in, on a date. I didn’t think for a second that he may like me, even though I saw in him my entire life. I said yes, of course, because he was hot and I was single, and maybe just the fact that he knew my flaws and was ready to go out with all of them made up my heart. 

Needless to say, by the time I realized he wasn’t coming I was already so far down that I couldn’t move. My eyes were so filled with tears that I felt like they were about to slip out. I was crushed and, honestly, I didn’t think for a second that it was his fault. Of course he wouldn’t go out with me, I was a fucking wreck. 

I had massive head aches from my illness and I would take fists of pills at one time. When I finally let my best friend know about my addiction and self-hate, he reacted so violent that I thought he was going to hit me, but he wasn’t mad at me; he was mad at himself for not realizing that I wasn’t okay. 

I drove myself to the point when I’ve become so obvious another person that it was completely impossible to remember how exactly I got there or how to get back. I saw in him a perfect fit. I was so blind with the thought that he accepted me as I was that I didn’t see him for what he was.

I confused a lesson for a soul mate. 

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