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No, Short Hair Is Not Literally Rape, You F#cking Idiots!

Robert Kneschke / Shutterstock.com)
Robert Kneschke / Shutterstock.com)

I wrote an article called “Short Hair Is Rape,” and the idiot community went nuts.

Women with short hair who looked like weird boys railed against my assumption that women with short hair look like weird boys.

Feminists who were sick of stereotypes shrieked and screamed hysterical rants that were totally devoid of logic.

Illiterate children called me stupid and hurled bizarre insults such as, “You have successfully redeemed [sic] yourself as a pig.”

I was criticized for seeing women as sex objects by women who insisted they would never fuck me.

They called me shallow while assuming I have a small cock.

They called me a monster while threatening my children.

They said I was “a danger” while threatening to kill me.

The scariest part of all this was the earth-shatteringly low IQ of everyone offended. Not one coherent point or witty insult was used. This is the generation that’s going to be paying my pension? They can’t even spell “You’re.”

So let me get this straight. You think that I think women cutting their hair short should be a felony that leads to 15 years in jail? Is that what you’re so outraged about? No? Oh, so it’s that you think rape is an untouchable taboo and no metaphor, no matter how hyperbolic, should ever go near it? That makes a pube more sense, but it’s also a pile of bullshit because YOU are the ones who diluted the value of the word “rape” to mean absolutely nothing.

When I defended Terry Richardson against ridiculous accusations recently, I was labeled a “rape apologist.” Nobody accused him of rape, however. Some ugly chick claimed she regretted consensual sex with him years after it happened. Somehow that’s equivalent to some poor woman who got attacked in an alley by a knife-wielding lunatic in a ski mask? Way to stand up for women’s rights, guys. When I was in college, we were told 1 in 4 women will experience rape before they graduate. Today, rape inflation has brought the number to 1 in 2. Out of the thousands upon thousands of guys I’ve met over the years, I’d say maybe one is the type of guy who could commit a rape the way it is defined by the law. According to modern college stats, this one guy has to rape 50% of college students? He must be exhausted. That poor bastard must have to be raping from dusk ’til dawn. His penis must look like Freddy Krueger’s face by now.

Now, if you want to talk about women who say—at least in the bedroom—that they want to be violently abused, you need merely move to New York and have sex with Jewish chicks. My God, do they have a potty mouth. I’d say their only complaint with sleeping with me was that I didn’t abuse them enough. I’m not joking. They’d ask me to choke them and stuff my underwear in their mouths. I would have died of shock at their requests if I didn’t have such a boner. I once received an email that said, “Thank you for raping me last night.” So yeah, it’s not us mild-mannered white guys who are trivializing rape. Women are doing a great job of that all by themselves—especially feminists.

Oh, and for the record, ladies, when you include prison (why would you not?), men get raped way more than women do. So if anyone gets to be sanctimonious about sexual assault, it’s us. We’re not getting it in the vagina, either. We’re getting it in the asshole and the lube used is often blood derived from cutting us open with a razor blade. Despite this shocking truth, we gladly endure jokes about “Bubba” the cellmate delivering retribution to some “redneck.” This is because we don’t piss away our day complaining about humor. We “rape apologists” tend to be conspicuously absent from the war on fun. We get jokes. We realize that Charlize Theron doesn’t literally think being attacked on Twitter is the same as being in Afghanistan. As Jim Norton points out, when you say your boss is worse than Hitler, you’re not saying he killed SEVEN million Jews.

Here’s the deal, you moronic plebes. Read a book and try to get to a level of comprehension where you have the language at your disposal. I highly recommend The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Getting Ahead by Charles Murray. Once you’re there, try to come at a problem from a logical position. Think it through. Does this person really think a hairdo is a felony? Is there an act that is really off the books when it comes to humor? The answer to both questions is obviously no. If you’re still angry because you have short hair and somebody hurt your feelings, don’t try to cloak it with someone else’s victimhood. Accept that you are merely mad because someone hurt your feelings. I’m glad I hurt your feelings by the way; short hair on women ALWAYS looks worse than long hair. This is a globally understood fact. I explained exactly why it’s worse than just ugly in my article. If that still bothers you try to come up with an insult that employs logic and maybe a semblance of wit. Ask why a 40+ millionaire is writing for brainwashed teens, for example. That’s a good one. Wait, why am I writing for this site? I guess because it’s fun. TC mark

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