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I’m A Big Dick…And I Also Have One

juliasv / (Shutterstock.com)
juliasv / (Shutterstock.com)

It’s assumed that black guys’ confidence is based on their insane chocolate ice-cream snakes and Asian guys’ insecurity is based on their human clits. Having a massive schlong is considered so fucking important, it’s worth talking to one of us to see what it’s actually like. As someone who was cursed with a dick that looks like a baby’s arm holding an apple in an anaconda (check “How to be a Man” if you don’t believe me), I’m happy to tell you with what’s really up.

You don’t hear about how big your dick is from chicks. You hear it from dudes. The first time I heard I was well-endowed was at a party when I was 18 and some dude was being hassled for pointing out some girl’s gigantic boobs. Everyone in the room wanted to kill him for pointing out the obvious, and I remember some guy I barely knew saying, “You think we’d be OK with you saying Gavin had a big, huge cock?” I was kind of stunned. This was a thing? We had all accepted the elephant’s trunk in the room as fact? To answer your question, yes, everyone would be fine with describing my cock. Dicks are different from tits.

Soon after, I learned this virtual stranger’s assessment was accurate. I had a penchant for Orientals as a young man, and in most cases it was like fitting a baseball bat in a change purse. As Be Nguyen said with eyes that went from squinty to incredibly round, “You’re not putting THAT in ME.” Later, in college, Caroline McCowan put her palms outstretched on the top of her butt cheeks as a buffer so I could never fit 100% of my cock inside. It was rarely, “Oh yeah Big Dick, fill me up” and most often, “I want to do this, so let’s figure out a way.”

Having a big wiener has its assets. I could basically get any black chick I ever wanted. I remember one African American smiling maybe two minutes into my pitch and saying, “Look, I know if a white boy steps to me, he must have a big ol’ dick.” We dated for a minute but she was so disturbed that I wasn’t jealous, we broke up. I dated an ex-sex worker for a few weeks and she couldn’t get over how breathtaking it was. That felt great. It was like a dentist complimenting your teeth or a parole officer saying you’re a threat to society. I very rarely got that from women, however. I usually received, “Owch” and “Can you pick up some Cystex from the pharmacy? I have another UTI.” In retrospect, I should have started my own cranberry farm as a young man. The polyphenols in that evergreen dwarf shrub have taken up a large part of my disposable income over the years.

The main group obsessed with your dick when you’re an above-average white man is white men. My GAWD, do they ever give a shit about your genitalia. Men with normal dicks are consumed with better penises, and it affects everything about your friendship. It’s like being cursed with a Batman uniform when all you want to do is hang out with Robin as an equal. “You’re a grower not a shower, right?” they keep asking, assuming that that your boner can’t possibly be that big in real life. “Sure,” you respond, hoping the subject can get changed, “my gigantic erection is exactly the same as your below-average one.” You want to explain to them that women don’t really give a shit. Sure, they don’t like thimbles but everything remotely near average is fair game. Women are attracted to ambitious men who won’t fuck them over, not lazy dick-swingers who are going to zap their cervix like they’re getting electroshock therapy. Men don’t want to hear it. They wish they had your big-dick problems.

Having a skin-colored fire hose is fairly OK when it comes to fucking women and a massive advantage when it comes to cowing your male friends. I personally would rather get on with life and don’t particularly enjoy dominating my pals. It’s like being Andre the Giant just trying to order a hamburger. Can’t we all just relax and enjoy our lunch without talking about genetic lotteries? I didn’t ask to be this way, and women don’t even particularly like it.

In the end, if you’re obsessed with cock size, you’re not obsessed with what women want. You’re obsessed with men. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But you’re obsessed with men. TC mark

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