Five Types Of Guys Who Make Me Horny

CREATISTA / (Shutterstock.com)
CREATISTA / (Shutterstock.com)

I’m not gay—not even remotely—but I’m not blind, either. I can see there are some dudes that would make my pussy mad wet if I was a chick. Here are my top five:

1. BRITISH GANGSTERS

If you see a guy in London who is really well dressed and overly polite, he is a murderer. He’ll have lots of jewelry, including a gold chain that goes outside of his collar and tie and he’ll say something such as, “Excuse me. I couldn’t help but notice you was swearing in front of a lady. It would mean so much to me if you could just apologize and we could be done with it.” If you’re a dude, fucking apologize ASAP. If you’re a chick, you better be wearing Always with Wings because your pussy is about to spring a leak.

2. RETARDS’ DADS

I saw this Jamaican on a plane once and he was dealing with a teenage son who was as handicapped as a human could possibly be. The kid had a bib around his neck to catch all the drool and his spine was so contorted, he had to sit in his seat diagonally. This dad didn’t have a blog where he complained about his lot in life and told people what terms to use to describe his son. I bet he didn’t even have an email address. He just held the boy, wiped his drool, and tried to feed him a bun during meal service. I don’t have a cunt but if I did, it would be barfing pussy juice right through my tights.

3. FARMERS

There is an older dude I buy my Christmas trees from every year and he is such a real man, I get flustered around him. I catch myself stuttering and saying shit that doesn’t make sense because my cock becomes a micropenis around his ragged old pole. Besides farming trees, he keeps about a dozen horses and you can tell he built his own house from scratch. I live about 30 miles from him but when he asked me if I live in the area, I blurted out, “I live about one mile away.” I have no idea why I said that, but it made me understand all the dumb shit chicks say when they’re horny.

4. MOTORCYCLE MECHANICS

Again, I AM NOT IN THE LEAST BIT GAY, but when a guy can adjust post-style cantilever brakes like a nerd with with a Rubik’s Cube, my pussy starts shooting out wetness like a geyser and I go shooting off into outer space. Motorcycles are the ultimate panty-loosener, and the only thing that would get me hotter than dating a mechanic would be riding on the back of his custom chopper as my long hair flapped around in the breeze and the engine vibrated my engorged clit.

5. MELLOW DUDES

I went to Park City a couple of years ago because my movie The Brotherhood of the Traveling Rants got into Slamdance. We were hanging around the base of a mountain when I noticed some semi-androgynous dude with shaggy hair and brown sneakers talking to a table of chicks. He might have been a tomboy lesbian for all I know. Most of the ladies he (?) was talking to were older, but he was making them laugh and just being an all-around good bloke. I’ve got nothing but schlong between my legs but I could imagine that IF I had a vagina, tiny dewdrops of viscous honey would be forming along the outer edges of my labia.

As I was imagining the family we could have together out there in Utah, my buddy Steve was chatting up an extreme mountain biker who rode for Red Bull. The dude was pretty badass and he had one of those real mountain bikes with huge tires that can handle ice and snow. They got along great and when Steve came back to sit with us he said, “That guy is awesome. He wants to hang out later. I got his number. I’m almost gay for him.” I pointed out that the guy wasn’t my type and I was more into that guy over there. When Steve saw the lazy pothead I had chosen as a mate, he was enraged. He motioned to the professional risk taker who was riding off into the sunset and said, “Look at the kind of guys I’M into and look at the kind of guys YOU’RE into, you fucking FAG!”

When we realized we were having a homophobic fight about hot guys, we laughed so hard we almost peed our pants. This is when I was really happy not to have a vagina. Chicks suck at holding it in when they laugh. TC mark

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