Family members are horrible at picking out gifts for Father’s Day. You know those things that you can put in the freezer and then use as ice in your whiskey? We hate those. They look dirty and we don’t like fixing things that ain’t broke. Ice is just fine as-is, and we like the way it dilutes our drink as it melts. It also provides a refreshing little blast of cold water when we’re done. We have enough neckties and golf clubs to last us a lifetime, too. Here’s what we really want.
1. A Leatherman
If your dad doesn’t have a Leatherman that he straps to his belt on Friday and keeps there until Sunday night, there is something wrong with him. Father’s Day is a good day to fix this. A Leatherman can saw branches, cut cables, pop a blood blister, and open anything in the world.
Speaking of tools, does he already have everything he needs? He needs two cordless drills, a table saw, a circular saw, a normal saw, a really long level, and a hammer. (Please tell me he at least has a hammer.) He doesn’t need—but he’d like—a Dremel, a jigsaw, a sander, a grinder, and a pressure washer.
3. Anything Lawn-Related
Dumping $300 of topsoil at the end of a dad’s driveway is like giving him a lifetime subscription to beer. All grass seed is pretty much the same, but if we’re talking gifts, why not get luxurious and buy us the fanciest Miracle-Gro that Scotts has to offer? One thing we don’t want is that stuff for patches that’s made of pulped paper and looks like insulation foam. It’s a bummer to look at and takes forever to take root.
Not sure why we love these so much, but we can never have enough flashlights, and they can never be too expensive. We like the big long ones that cops have, but we also like the little tiny ones with the convex lens that belt out way more light than you’d ever think something that small could belt out. I’m actually getting a boner just thinking about mine right now.
5. A Magnifying Glass
We can’t see anything. It’s actually easier for us to go the bank in person than to read the customer-service number on the back of our card. We’d like one for work so we can see all the fine print in all the stupid contracts we’re supposed to sign, and we want one at home so we can see shit on our phone. We also like just looking at stuff such as bugs and the inside of a pen. The more cumbersome and ridiculous the magnifying glass, the more we like it.
This applies more for dads with kids under 10, so moms take heed. We love when kids make us drawings, but they need to put some effort into it. We don’t want a picture of the whole family. That’s gay and we already have about seven of those. I like pictures of punk rockers, but if your dad was into Iron Maiden, make him a really good Eddie. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should be full-color and have taken at least an hour to draw.
These things cost a fortune, and knowing you just spent $3.50 makes blowing up a two-liter plastic bottle of cola a tiny bit less fun. If you buy the bullets we can pretend they were free, and shooting becomes 100% guilt-free.
8. A War Helmet
Every time we feel like complaining, we think about the guys in WWII who were holed up in muddy foxholes for days too afraid to light a cigarette. Then we think, “Man the fuck up” and get back to work. Having a WWII helmet on a stand is a must-have accessory for any dad’s home office.
As far as breakfast in bed and “Get these kids away from me” goes, that’s Mother’s Day stuff. We want to build stuff with you today, and we’d like to use some of the cool shit you just got us. Oooh, wanna come to Home Depot? I need to get a Power Care 14B Bar for my chainsaw. Please?