If you don’t want to be accused of trolling, you’re supposed to preface every remotely controversial idea with a series of caveats such as, “Obviously slavery was bad” and “The vast majority of mothers care about their kids,” etc. Sometimes I qualify everything because I don’t want my point to be lost on the knee-jerk community; other times I just think, “Fuck it.” Domestic abuse is a doozy, so I’ll bother to state the obvious.
Hitting a woman is wrong. The proverbial wife beater who’s wearing a wife beater and swatting his spouse upside the head for not having his dinner ready on time is a bad man. If you know someone who does anything like this, unknow him immediately. OK? Good.
Now, what if you’re in the elevator with Solange Knowles and you don’t have a bodyguard? You can’t run and hide. You’re in an elevator. If, like most women, she’s weaker than you and it’s possible to hold her arms and tell her, “Calm the fuck down,” you can stop reading this right now and continue down to the ground floor. However, Solange is a 5’8” crazy bitch from Texas. She can hold her own, and even Jay-Z’s gigantic bodyguard had a helluva time wrangling that calf. So what do you do?
Domestic abuse is a terrible thing, but what about the shit us normal guys have to deal with? When girls get drunk, they go from fun and cute…to loud and dumb…to totally unintelligible…and then catatonic. This last part is fucking scary because you know the switch is about to go CLICK and the “creature” is going to come out. The creature is a monster parasite that uses drunken women’s bodies as a host to wreak havoc on the entire city. The creature will pick a fight with a guy for smiling weird. She’ll scream, “You said there’d be hot dogs here!” and whip a garbage can at you, or she’ll start sobbing and when you ask her what’s wrong, she’ll pull your hair so hard, you think you’re going to pass out. She’ll have no memory of this the next day, so take pictures.
Some guys are so scared of getting a domestic-abuse charge on their record, they block as many punches as they can while dialing 911. This is a pussy move. Bill Clinton is allegedly beaten so often by Hillary, he oughta just grow some tits and move into a woman’s shelter. This doesn’t solve the problem. If you can get the hell out of there, that’s even better than being strong enough to hold her down, but if it’s your girlfriend, leaving her there is literally leaving her with a monster.
Therefore, if you are stuck in a situation where a maniacal female is pounding the crap out of you, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest you can hit her once for every 12 blows she delivers to you. I’m not saying you punch her in the face, and I’m not saying that her giving you an open-handed slap counts as a “blow.” If she is giving you real man punches that look like they wouldn’t be scoffed at in a boxing ring, take all 12. Don’t even block them. If they get you in the face, take them in the face. Get a black eye. If she’s nailing your ribs, allow them to get bruised. They won’t get broken. Unless she’s a giant, you’re not going to get knocked out, either, so take every hit you get that isn’t in the balls. Make it clear you’re going to fight back after 12. Then, when your body has taken a dozen reasonable hits, give her a solid punch in between her collarbone and her solar plexus. The punch shouldn’t be bone-breaking; it should be bruise-making, and it’s what Jay-Z should have done to Solange if he was alone.
It seems cruel, but it teaches a lesson: If you’re going to play with the big boys, you have to play by big-boy rules. It’s like standing over a kid as he plays with matches. He keeps striking match after match and then gets burned when he touches the phosphorous. As you sit there getting pounded, you’re essentially saying, “You want to experience violence? OK, this is what it is.”
The next morning, you will likely have a black eye and some aches and pains, but your nose won’t be broken. She will have a black bruise in between her tits. She will also have learned that booze is not her thing and you will have taught her this without jeopardizing your manhood. Anything less than 12 is abuse. Anything more is feminism, and we all know how retarded that is.