1. THEY’RE ALWAYS ON THE PHONE
Last week I had to stay home from work and I’m walking around the neighborhood with the kids and all I see are women on the phone. They’re lying on park benches with their feet up blabbing away next to a stroller while construction workers guide I-beams on to the buildings around them.
2. THEY’RE ALWAYS WHINING ABOUT WORK
In the elevators of my office building, the women who work here always have the same small talk. “How are you?” always gets “I’m tired” and is usually followed by, “I want to go home.” After that it’s “How close is Friday?” or “When’s the next break?” They fought hard to get into the workforce but it sounds like they regret it.
3. THEIR HOMES ARE A MESS
Okay, I’m married now but I remember back in my single days, I’d go back to some chick’s apartment and it always looked like a bomb hit it. The sink was always full of dishes and there’d be a pile of clothes next to their bed the size of a car. The bathroom looked like a meth head’s with 17 bottles of conditioner and a tiny sliver of soap soaking in water that looked like cum.
4. THEY SAY “LIKE” A LOT
Ever heard of using actual words to form a sentence? “I was like, totally not like, mad but like, who ever… ? (weird face) You know? It’s like… (bugged out eyes).” When did New Yorkers become Valley Girls from the 80s? It’s hard to imagine becoming so lazy, you no longer speak your own language.
5. THEY’RE FAT
Young girls aren’t fat but pretty much every woman over 30 could stand to lose as many pounds. Have you visited a hospital recently? Almost all the nurses are so fat, they can barely walk. How can they not know how unhealthy that is? Women are constantly complaining about diets and trying to avoid gluten or whatever the latest stupid fad is but it’s pretty simple: Get off your ass. There should only be one diet book and it should only have seven words: Burn more calories than you take in.
6. THEY THINK YOGA IS EXERCISE
I have no problem with someone taking a stretching class (yes I do, what a waste of time) but don’t think you’re actually working out when you put your foot on your knee and pray. It’s not cardiovascular. It’s relaxing. And it’s not even good for you.
7. THEIR FAVORITE THING IS DOING NOTHING
Every time I ask a woman what her perfect Sunday would be, she says lying in bed all day surrounded by celebrity magazines which they “only buy for the pictures” because they’re too lazy to read them. Sometimes a bath is included. What are you, 100? Their other favorite thing is going to the beach, which consists of lying on the sand and… nothing. They don’t even swim. It requires too much effort.
8. THEY LIKE TO BE MASSAGED
Why does someone else have to paint your nails? What are you, a monarch? Outside of sitting in a bed surrounded by pictures of Jennifer Aniston, a woman’s favorite thing to do is go to a spa. That means they sit around and have various slaves rub their bodies while others massage their hands and put mud masks on their fucking toes. Did Cleopatra get that kind of attention?
9. THEY CAN’T COOK
Women have been liberated from domestic chores and they are no longer slaves to the kitchen so who cooks? Either the nearest place that delivers or the husband. Amongst my friends I’d say about half the men I know cook all the meals. Women have ceased to create life and now they can’t even create spaghetti. They’re basically my dad.
10. THEIR POLITICS ARE BASED ON WHAT FEELS GOOD
They elected Obama because he’s cool (he wouldn’t have won without the estrogen vote), they think schools need more money (even though it doesn’t affect test scores), they think teachers are underpaid (even though per hour they’re doing very well), they think “Frankenfood” is evil (even though it saved a billion lives) and they think guns are killing our kids (even though gun accidents make up about 1% of all fatal child accidents). Hey ladies, some things are counterintuitive. Just because something is incredibly cute and cool and fun and smart doesn’t mean it’s good. Take me for example.