When the guy I had been dating for over a year freaked out (randomly and suddenly) and told me he needed to take a break because he didn’t know what he wanted – well let’s just say that it took me by surprise (read as rug being pulled out from under my feet) but what it eventually did is make me realize that there were 2 kinds of people in this world – those who know what they want and those who say that they don’t. Do we take them at face value when they say that they don’t know what they want?
Because somewhere in the back of my mind I feel like we all know what we want and the catch is that we want things in varying degrees – we want some people more than others. We want certain things from certain relationships and not others. All of us feel this way and we make choices based on these feelings. But the difference here is to have the courage to be up front and reset expectations when you know that there is a real disconnect between you and the person you are dating. So what they are actually saying when they say they don’t know what they want is… that they don’t want you!
Its all the more perplexing when you are with someone who seems to be really into you and even projects the image that they are genuinely having fun with you and your friends. This is the person with whom you have great chemistry and mutual attraction, a shared sense of humor and intelligence. In short a kindred feeling, a sense that there is more… and more importantly that there is a foundation that can lead to a great relationship…except it won’t… EVER.
Alas therein lies the rub – because while you are focusing on all these physical, emotional, social, and logical aspects of a good relationship, they are not. Or perhaps they are but they don’t seem to approach things from the same perspective. For them, these commonalities and this sense of compatibility aren’t enough to take a chance on.
Are they just too wimpy to come right out and say I don’t want you? Are they biding their time while they wait for others who they do actually want? Perhaps a bit of both and heck if you’re a fun person to be with while they are in the “waiting room of dating” before they get their shot at being with the one who they REALLY want to be with comes up – then why the heck not – all the better in fact right? Well…no.
Because its actually a pretty crappy thing to do to someone. Again back to the choices and being honest with yourself and with the person who you know is falling for you. If the person you’re with knows that you are biding your time that’s one thing but if they seem to be seeing a future with you and you know that’s not what you want, then its time to jump off the ride. Don’t wait it out. Don’t stick around trying to soften the blow because you’re not helping anybody. And most definitely don’t stick around for the fringe benefits of sleeping with them because all that does is seal your fate as a douchebag.
So I guess in the end it was a blessing in disguise – after all I had only wasted a year being with someone who was never intending to stick around. But when I think back on it I would definitely have had a lot more respect for him if he had been more honest about his feelings shortly after we got together and not waited until well past a year. In fact what he should have said to me is “I don’t want you.” Nobody wants to hear it but its way better than the alternative – to be shown that they don’t want you and that they want someone else.