1. Warm them up with phone sex
Justin Timberlake loves phone sex. How do I know? Because he recommends it both in a song from his ‘Nsync days and more subtly in ‘Like I Love You’ where he croons, “Late at night I talk to you / You will know the difference when I touch you.” Oh, JT. I will hold you to that promise, babe. (Did ‘Digital Getdown’ cause anyone else to go through puberty immediately upon hearing it? Just wondering.)
2. Do not cheat!
This is the best advice ever and it repeats in a lot of Timberlake’s music: Do not cheat! Cheating is bad! In “Cry Me A River,” Justin totally musically bitchslaps a girl who lied to him about fooling around with another guy. In “It Makes Me Ill,” he sings about not being able to stand seeing his girl with someone else (even if they are technically broken up). In “Bye Bye Bye,” he laments a girl who manipulated him like a puppet and who made him a fool in a game for two. (Value yourself! You’re worth it!) And “What Goes Around Comes Around” is basically a sequel to “Cry Me A River.” (“You cheated, girl / My heart bleed-ed, girl.”) Britney Spears, you messed UP! So take it from Justin: DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR LOVER. JUST DON’T. (Though for a more direct, storytelling version of this message, I might recommend “The Call” by the Backstreet Boys.)
3. Sex on a dancefloor is acceptable.
You’ve seen the man dance! Get to gettin’ to it. He gon do you right here on this dancefloor. He better have you naked by the end of this song. Did you not see him pull out Janet Jackson’s titty? It was amazing. Dancing is basically pre-sex. (This is not a good look in this video, by the way. The goatee? The big diamond earring? I can’t even with that. Sorry, Juju!)
Rock Your Body and like, every Justin Timberlake song
4. It’s important to spice things up when they get stale.
Have you considered a weird, techno BDSM relationship? Because sexy was gone and it needed to be brought back. If you’re going through a dry spell, I recommend shackles and chains and whips and whatever else he sings about in this song. Ala the video, maybe try spying on each other, half-naked, through the walls of a hotel room? I don’t know. The important thing is to not let sexy go away. Keep that love alive and spicy!
5. You should see a future with your partner
If you’re with someone and it’s getting serious, you need to know if you see a future together. Do they also picture you walking on the beach with your toes in the sand? Timbs’ song “My Love” is a musical proposal in which he wants to make you his baby forevskies. Do you say “I do?” It’s also important to know if your boo sees a future with you. In “Gone,” there was some lack of communication about that subject and now Justin is very lonely and sad and having a birthday in black and white or something, I forget the video’s premise. Don’t let that happen to you.
6. Dress up for each other
Put on that dress he likes! Put on your suit and tie! Have sex on a dancefloor! (See above!)
7. God must have spent a little more time on you
Write your partner some fancy lyrics that don’t really make sense and they will love you forever. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You? Definitely. Because you were so…hard to make…because you’re a complicated person? Wait! No! I mean…because he needed to work harder to make you so beautiful? And like, it held up the line of people-making in heaven and everything! Oh, yeah? Well, YOU don’t make sense!
8. Some relationships are just inevitable.
Don’t try to fight it. You’re gonna be with who you’re meant to be with no matter what. You have little to no choice or agency on this one. Just accept what JT is telling you. You’re gonna be with him, whether you want to or not. Bust outta that friendzone! If someone does a lot for you and you don’t sex them immediately, you’re fighting a losing battle, babe.
9. Don’t be shallow. Do be dirty.
Do y’all remember the “Making Of” show about the Pop music video where Joey hurt his leg and Wade had to step in and dance for him? And then Joey’s like, barely in the video and when he is, he’s sitting down and only in close ups and then when we see them dancing, it doesn’t even look like Joey at all?
Oh, what does this have to do with love? Nothing. I just worry that that knowledge is taking up the space in my brain where calculus should have gone.
10. When all else fails, throw on a turtleneck and chase bubbles through a forest.
This video makes no sense, but you heard the man! Justin Timberlake promises to love you forever. The way to show that is clearly to pull on a turtleneck and pop some bubbles in the woods! How else is your lover gonna know how you feel about them? Go, quick! Love-bubbles wait for no one.