1. You tuck your shirts into your underwear so that they lay smoother when you zip your jeans up. Yeah, it looks dorky, but it works doesn’t it?
2. You tell friends they need a heavier jacket or say things like, “Put on another scarf before we go out. You can’t possibly be warm enough in that.”
3. You see a friend has lost weight and you’re immediately worried about them instead of thinking maybe they’ve just been on a diet or exercising more. Your first instinct is to feed them a hamburger.
4. You fall asleep at 10 p.m. or earlier every night. When someone invites you out at 11, you’re all, “Oh man, that is soooo late. No, thank you.”
5. You can’t stop watching ’48 Hours’ or any other show where a white lady has gone missing and probably her disgruntled boyfriend killed her. Also, the news ALWAYS freaks you out. I mean, have you seen this flu epidemic? Your friends definitely need to read this email forward about it.
6. You take the rolls and sugar packets with you from the Denny’s. You want refills on everything. You’re constantly trying to get the most bang for your buck at restaurants.
7. You confuse celebrities names all the time. I used to work at ‘The Daily Show’ and my mom still calls Jon Stewart “Jon Daly” which is the name of a professional golfer. You used to make fun but now you’re starting to do it too.
8. You can’t keep up with all the new crazy fashion trends and have just decided to stick with wearing jeans that go above the waist.
9. You decide that baking for people is the best gift so for every occasion and every event, you bring a baked good. Where you used to just grab a bottle of wine right before the party, now you’re that person who brings homemade tiramisu or gingerbread cookies.
10. You make lots of inappropriate, dated jokes. You’re so delighted that you understand any cultural reference that you just keep re-using it in every quip. I mean, right? Those Kardakason sisters!
11. You love any singing reality competition. You think Adam Levine is “a trip” but you just don’t “get” Cee-Lo.
12. You walk into a room and immediately forget what you came in there for, but always try to play it off like you had a totally different plan the whole time. You are still sharp as a whip, damnit.
13. Going to mass or synagogue has started to seem like a pretty good time on the weekends.
14. You do not hesitate to wipe boogers or eye schmootz off your friends or loved ones or hell, strangers faces. You often find yourself licking your finger and swiping it across their cheek. You dust crumbs off their beards. You pick eyelashes off their noses. It’s gross.
15. Social media trends have stopped making sense to you. What is Snap Chat? Is that like that thing I saw on Nancy Grace about sexting? ARE YOU SEXTING, YOUNG LADY? LET ME SEE YOUR IPOD SO I CAN CHECK.