The Stages Of Getting Addicted To Homeland

SPOILER ALERT

Everyone is talking about this new show called Homeland and you’re like, “So much hype. This show can’t possibly be as good as everyone is saying.”

Everyone starts making jokes about some guy named Abu Nazir, and that one Saturday Night Live sketch was really inside baseball but seemed funny. You think, “Maybe I should check this Homeland business out.”

You forget about it. But you eventually start watching it on a flight because they have the pilot episode On Demand.

Love the opening credits. “I’m just making sure we don’t get hit again!” sticks in your head.

Become engrossed.

Eyes widen.

Think, “Oh man. This is so good.” Like, no. You get that people were saying it was good but why the hell did no one sit you down and force you to watch this before now? Homeland is so good! Your friends are terrible friends for not making you watch this.

RUSH HOME TO WATCH MORE.

Pause your TV or computer and just stare at Claire Danes’ ugly cry face. Dear lord, she is the QUEEN of the ugly cry face. Be unable to look away from her quivering chin and big eyes.

Become worried that Carrie is actually delusional. Be frustrated that there’s no camera in the Brody’s garage. Wonder how all this surveillance is legal. Worry about our government. Chew your fingernails to the quick.

Try desperately to read Brody’s face. Alternate every ten seconds about whether or not you think he’s actually working for Abu Nazir. Your brain starts to hurt.

Cheer with relief when Carrie realizes the finger-tapping might be some kind of code.

Cringe at the sex scenes between Brody and his wife. Oof. Just. Oof. Marvel at Morena Baccarin’s breasts though.

Become convinced you know like, everything about the US government and spy agencies. Talk to others like you’re actually in the CIA yourself. Feel like you know national security secrets just from how realistic the show seems.

Love Saul. Think Saul is the best character on TV and you want to nuzzle in his beard.

Haaaaate the Brody/Carrie relationship. Hate it. Ugh, these two idiots. Stop having sex with each other, you messed up maniacs. Why must you both complicate your lives like this? Really, Carrie? You’re in love with him? After one weird weekend where you thought he was a terrorist? I can’t even. Become a little disenchanted.

Fast-forward through anything having to do with Dana and her dumb plot lines. Suspect that every scene in which you can see a doorway and someone is doing something illegal or immoral will end with her sticking her dumb face in and going, “Dad? Are you in here, Dad?” (Suddenly find that SNL skit way funny and on point.)

Watch through your hands as Brody heads underground while wearing the vest. Sweat like crazy throughout that whole episode. Be in total disbelief that Carrie would just show up at the Brody’s house. She is so crazy but like, also you are legit losing your mind.

Die as Estes takes apart Carrie’s cork boards. Just stand up and scream, “NO! NO! NO!” at the screen. Act basically as crazy as Carrie does in those moments. “SHE’S RIGHT, OMG SHE’S RIGHT,” you yell to no one.

Think that even though Carrie makes you so, so nervous, the CIA is way better off with her around. Hope, like she secretly does, that they’ll let her back in. Cringe when she says, “I’ve never been so sure and so wrong!”

Love that they made Brody a Congressman. Consider kissing all the writers on the mouths and genitals.

Love the interrogation scene between Brody and Carrie. Love the way Nazir manipulated Brody. Start to see some moral gray areas. Find Nazir totally frightening. Be riveted.

Think that this is fantastic TV and anyone not watching Homeland is a dope. Consider moving to DC and becoming a CIA agent. Consider getting “Mandy Patinkin, holla!” tattooed on your lower back.

Think that there was no way they were gonna pay off the big mystery of Brody’s allegiances in a satisfying way. Be mostly satisfied and a little bit sad that the mystery is over.

Start to super love Virgil and Max. Especially Max.

Wonder how the writers can keep everything up. Continue thinking both Carrie and Brody are unnecessary risk-taking idiots.

Hate Carrie and Brody’s weakness for each other more and more. Your disenchantment is growing. WHAT SIDE IS BRODY ON?

Worry that this feeling will only continue to grow. Can any show have more than two good seasons? Is even Homeland susceptible to the sophomore slump? Keep watching no matter what. You’re already addicted. Worry. Worry some more. TC Mark

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