You ever lock eyes with someone only to realize no one is home? Like, in their heads? There’s nothing behind their peepers except emptiness. A chilling dementor lurks in their pupils waiting to suck the life out of you.
It’s called “dead eyes” and I posit these are the top 10 celebrity guys with this affliction…
(Oh, and if you say you hate lists? Well, I say: bask in this list! Bask in it! And it will gaze upon you with cold, dead eyes and it will not give one single fuck this day!
THIS DAY. WE FIGHT.)
I’m sorry. Where was I?
Right. Dead eyes. You know ’em. You’ve seen ’em. They stare into your very heart and mind until you feel a chill and goosebumps stand on your frail, limp arms. You look into the windows of their souls and you see NOTHING. You see so much nothing.
This is all in good fun and I’m actually a fan of most of these people, just fyi. But their eyes are silly. Let’s get into it.
1. Steve Buscemi
All hail the king of dead eyes. Buscemi took his naturally corpse-like sockets and turned them into an entire amazing career. God bless him. He’s a phenomenal actor, maybe in part because of how crazy creepy his eyes are. They set him apart from the rest. Take what you got and make it work for you, Busc.
2. Crispin Glover
I actually just shuddered while looking for a photo for this entry. Crispin Glover, you frightening man. I’m kind of obsessed with your whole aesthetic — dead eyes included.
3. Bill Murray
This is total sacrilege and I apologize to the gods of Caddyshack and Wes Anderson, but in recent years, Bill Murray’s eyes are going dead. He’s getting older and so maybe that’s part of it. Or maybe being so cool for so long really takes a toll on the ol’ peepers. Either way, rapidly approaching dead eyes. Steer that ship away, Steve Zissou!
4. Bradley Cooper
Okay, does Bradley Cooper count? Because my co-worker thinks he’s not so much dead-eyed as COMPLETELY STONED AT ALL TIMES. Which you know what? More power to him if he is. So handsome, so dead-eyed. You do you, BCoops. But just don’t look at me.
5. Mickey Rourke
Waaaaah. Mickey Rourke. You were so handsome. Then you did…something and now I don’t know. I like you though. You were so great in The Wrestler that I made “Sweet Child O’ Mine” my ringtone for like, an entire semester.
Can I just say I had trouble finding a photo of him without sunglasses on? Possibly because like Cyclops from The X Men he knows the power of his dead eyes needs to be contained.
6. Paul Ryan
Easy target! But holy moley, come on. I’d be remiss to not mention Paul Ryan here, though I don’t generally consider politicians to be “celebrities.” Look at his eyes. Or don’t! They might turn you to stone. Or you know, make you have a baby you don’t want. Ack!
7. David Bowie
Flawless human being, yes. But David Bowie’s eyes are FUH-reaky. What is going on there? Is he going to steal my youth, go back in time and become Ziggy Stardust again? Like, what is up with that vacancy? (Drugs. It’s all the drugs.) Love you, Davey. Also, this is an excuse to include a picture of Iman. Rawr.
8. Gary Busey
This is like shooting fish in a barrel, something Gary Busey I’m sure does regularly. That mofo is off his rocker. Usually people that derailed have something in their eyes but nope. Nothing. Vast nothingness. Look at his right eye. It’s like an acid rain cloud. Gray and murderous.
9. Kid Rock
Yikes. I heard when you basically steal “Sweet Home Alabama” and sing over it, Lynyrd Skynyrd curses you with dead eyes. I’m just kidding. Kid Rock had dead eyes way before that.
10. Ryan Seacrest
Ryan, I love you but are you a robot? Are your eyes made of metal? You can tell me if you’re a robot. I’ve been a fan since you started on American Idol with Brian Dunkleman. (YES. I REMEMBER DUNKLEMAN, YOU JERK.) I have looked at you a whole bunch and buddy, your eyes make it seem like maybe you are not human. They are as dead as Taylor Hicks’ career. So, so dead.