The Secretly Talented Girl
The secretly talented girl is quiet during most of class. She never talks to anyone. She never joins in on discussions and she never makes any noise really. You suspect she might be mute. Then, she gets up to do her first monologue — maybe something tough from a cop drama or an intense emotional scene between a mother and daughter or something juicy — and all of sudden, she’s Meryl freakin’ Streep. You can’t look away from her performance. She is so, so good. Then, as soon as the monologue is over, she is an empty vessel dropping back into her seat and not speaking to anyone. You can’t figure out how this person exists but you know you severely underestimated her.
The Really Wooden Guy
This guy has not yet figured out that he is not an actor. His facial expression does not change at all no matter what he’s saying or what kind of scene he’s doing. He’s supposed to be in love with his scene partner and he mechanically pats her on the back like a robot just discovering emotions. His elbows are rigid. His voice is flat. He never smiles or frowns, and he always side-eyes looking at the audience instead of directly into the eyes of his partner. He is like a wooden nutcracker or something. How can he think he’s got any chance of being an actor? Has no one told him he’s not good?
The Impossibly Hot Girl
This chick is so tall and thin and hot, you can’t believe she’s real. You consoled yourself at night by convincing yourself that people like this did not exist outside TV and the movies and then, voila! Here she is in real life 3D. I guess to get to TV and the movies, the impossibly hot girl has to start somewhere and that somewhere is your acting class. Her talent level is irrelevant. Maybe she’s blonde and blue-eyed. Maybe she’s racially ambiguous like a model or a girl at a nightclub who would never ever talk to you. She’s not necessarily mean or stand-offish either. She could be totally nice. You just can’t talk to her because when you do, you turn into a cartoon wolf with steam coming out of your ears. GO BE A FAMOUS HOT GIRL ALREADY. THE REST OF US CAN’T LOOK AT YOU ANYMORE.
The Guy Trying To Bang Everybody
This guy might be an actor or he just might think that acting class is where the hot girls hang out. Either way, his main objective here seems to be trying to find people to bone. During breaks, he always chats up the hot girl, bragging about his latest commercial audition or that web series he totally booked. He never really does any of the classwork, but he’s booked a few commercials or a Law and Order spot you may have seen so he thinks he’s a celebrity. If he does do the work, he chooses scenes that are overtly sexual or touchy and then tries to pair up with the hot girl or one of her lesser, but still actor-attractive lady friends. He thinks he’s figured it out: acting is just a way to meet and sleep with women. So clever.
The Person Who Is Way Too Into It
This person always has questions for the instructor. She also sighs and seems discouraged or unimpressed with his answers. Her questions are vague and based on something she read in a pivotal acting tome or heard in her classes at NYU’s Tisch. She wants you to know how much she knows about acting theories and different schools and she never laughs at anyone’s jokes. She is here to learn her craft, goddamn it, not fraternize with these plebians. She treats commercial auditions where she’s playing the voice of a badger or a sorority girl like she’s Daniel Day Lewis auditioning for Spielberg. She thinks she knows everything, moreso than the teacher even, and is never really listening or having fun.
The Serious Actor
Every monologue this guy brings to class is by Shakespeare or David Mamet. Similar to the person who is way too into it, the “serious actor” defines himself entirely by how much of an actor he is. But he wouldn’t even go to those lowly commercial auditions, no! He’s only interested in doing very dramatic or very well-respected art and he has no intention of working his way up to that. He wants to do it now, because in his mind, that’s what a “serious actor” does. The thing is he’s really good at these serious scenes and monologues. Like, infuriatingly good. He’ll probably do okay if he can just get his head out of his own butthole.
The “Broadway” Girl
This chick loves Glee and grew up singing showtunes. Her personal hero is Patti LuPone or Bernadette Peters and she’s at TKTS every weekend getting into the newest Broadway matinees. Thus, her acting style is that sort of over-affected Disney Channel loud, too-many-facial-expressions weirdness. Her arms flail, her speech pattern is unnatural. She sounds like an actress in a 1940s movie and it’s completely strange because she doesn’t talk like that when she’s not doing scenes. It’s like she has an idea of what “acting” sounds like and then tries very hard to do that. In the theater, this works…maybe. But try doing this with smaller monologues from indie movies or intense scenes from Scorsese films. It’s hilariously off. Not that “Broadway” girl cares. She’s already headed to voice lessons and dance class. Probably wearing leg warmers and a beret. NYC!
The Duo With Crazy Sexual Tension
Jesus Christ, are these two gonna do it right there on stage? They’ve just made this whole room electric. The “duo with crazy sexual tension” are almost always scene partners and they always seem like they are about to bang in front of everyone. You hardly see them talk outside of class or during breaks but when they start acting opposite each other, a switch flips on. Their sexual tension is off the charts. Their faces get close. Their voices get soft or intense and loud. You can’t figure it out and you can’t look away. Just make out already!