Your Facebook Notifications Probably
By Gaby Dunn
Someone you hooked up with once at a college party invited you to DONATE TO MY KICKSTARTER — HORROR ART FILM “GUERNICA II: PICASSO’S REVENGE.”
A random old classmate invited you to join Klout.
Your roommate tagged you in a post about people who stay inside all day and watch Breaking Bad.
Mike RockStarLoungeNYC invited you to Mike’s Bday Bash!!! FrEe ZiMa AlL NiGhT LaDiEs.
One of your high school friends posted new photos where he looks depressing and alien holding his child (second?), and appears to have gained 30 pounds.
That guy who has the career you want or a similar career to yours but somehow better even though he’s definitely less talented invited you to his book release party/an invitation for everyone else in your field to just give up and kill themselves.
Your mom’s coworker has commented on a photo your mom has tagged you in from Thanksgiving last year. JACKPOT.
Some girl who knows a friend of a friend invited you to Uterus Jams: Feminist Poetry Night!
An old friend from middle school tagged you in a super unflattering series of scanned photographs of a school trip you all went on where you’re either wearing all Limited Too or have severe acne on your forehead. HA HA HA. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE UGLY?
Friend request from person you were hoping so badly would never friend request you. Of course.
Your ex posted vacation photos with their new beau where they look insanely happy and tanned. Ugh.
“Like My New Fan Page!” from some actor friend who is not even remotely famous or deserving of a fan page.
Your wildly unstable friend posted a video of herself crying and tagged you in it.
Your other wildly unstable friend updated the album “I Swear I’m Not Naked OMG You Guyssss” with a bunch of poorly-lit Photo Booth photos of her cleavage because she either just got dumped or constantly uses Facebook for superficial validation.
Someone you don’t know at all has invited you to a group you don’t give a crap about and now you’re going to get all its notifications anyway!
Your friend’s coworker would like to invite you to come see her shitty band again.
Your distant cousin wants you to know that Jesus is smiling down on you and has tagged you in a photo of cartoon Jesus on the cross wearing sunglasses with meme text reading, “He Died 4 Ur Sins. Bless Hiz Name.”
The girl who never left your hometown posted a picture of her whipped-cream-smiley-face pancakes. Her boyfriend of seven hundred years liked it.
Some random guy you met once who seemed normal in person but has since revealed himself online to be a right-wing fanatic posted an article from The Onion about Obama murdering kittens to prove a point about Mitt Romney’s Medicare plan.
Your co-worker’s six year old daughter requested you join Farmville. What the eff?
Someone you don’t know at all posted in the event “Come Buy My Stuff Plz! I Am Selling Everything!” — “Awww babe, so sorry to hear you’re getting evicted~ How did divorce court go?”
Your freshman year roommate invited you to a reading in a city you no longer live in.
Your sophomore year roommate invited you to a cocktail party in a city you never lived remotely near.
Two people you vaguely know are locked in a heated comment debate on your wall about late-term abortion.
Some creep you barely know commented on a photo of you from six years ago with just the word “hot.”
Your friend’s lazy ex wants you to like their new page, “Make Marijuana Legal! Occupy Weed! Ron Paul 4 President.”
Your mom commented that she thinks you look “just like Grandma Eva” in your new profile picture.
Your crush is now In A Relationship with some undeserving neanderthal. Fantastic.