I Want To Be A White Girl Rapper

I would like to know how one goes about becoming a white girl rapper. There are so many of them now! I’m not even including white girls who just talk over the track — from the great Uffie to her lesser clone Ke$ha. There’s also Kreayshawn and her White Girl Mob crew, Kitty Pryde, the chick from Karmin, Iggy Azalea, etc etc.

I am already a writer, but I’ve grown bored of writing articles and scripts. I am already a hip hop fan, but I am bored of sitting on the sidelines while the pros lay down tracks. Therefore, I have decided to scrap my current career and go for it while it’s hot: I want to be a white girl rapper.

The job of white girl rapper seems great because to be a white girl rapper, you don’t even have to be good at rapping! You can and some are, but mostly it’s not required. It’s crazy! There’s hardly any job you can have wherein you don’t even have to excel at the basic premise of the job. There’s like, being a member of the Royal Family…and nothing else. You almost always have to be good at the thing to have it as a job. But not white girl rapping. You just have to talk and people are all, “SWAG.”

I would probably not be good at rapping so I am delighted to know this won’t even be a minor setback. In fact, it could be an asset. I can talk over the track with absolutely no flow or rhythm and my fans will defend me by saying I’m being ironic or that I’m making some sort of statement or meta-commentary on the rap game. Then, I will take a bubble bath in money in a bathtub made entirely of elephant parts. It will be awesome.

I think I’d also need to change my look to become a white girl rapper. Right now, mousey brown hair and glasses might work for the Girls crowd but it will not cut it for being a white girl rapper. I need to dye my dome some wacky colors and cut it into little spiked pieces. I need to put my septum piercing from freshman year of college back in and get some hipper clothes that don’t fit me correctly.

White girl rappers don’t wear Doctor Who graphic Ts. They wear like, cool ripped and faded jean shorts that don’t cover their buttocks and neon tops that are all open on the side to show their nipple rings. They have bling! Big, girly bling that says like, “Princess” or “P-ssy Queen” in rhinestones. Where can I get one of those? Do I order it online or is there some kind of “White Girl Rapper” emporium I could swing by? What would that set me back? My bank account is super low on account of not yet succeeding as a white girl rapper so…would Claire’s at the local mall be an option?

To be a white girl rapper, I also have to start talking a lot about the explicit stuff I do to men sexually. (I guess this applies to any rapper though. ‘sup Missy Elliott and Trina!) This will be empowering! Like Iggy Azalea raps in her song “P-ssy:” A.k.a. Titanic so much wet will have yo ass sinking / treat that tongue like a bullet / give me head, Abe Lincon. Pretty good lyrics.

Not to fear. I’m a writer. This is my wheelhouse. I’ll write a song called “I Broke Your D in Half, But You Broke My <3."

White girl rappers also always reference internet things like emoticons. Most of the currently successful ones were born in the last two decades so it’s a winky nod to this generation’s tech obsession. I can even get some kind of quirky ’90s reference in there like, I broke your d in half / you broke my heart / when I think about Camp You / it makes me wanna fart.

Guys, I am already so good at this. I’m two-thirds of the way there: I am a girl and this is possibly the whitest article I’ve ever written. On to the rapping!*

*A thing no rapper has ever said. TC Mark

image – Mike Cicchetti

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