I Want To Be A White Girl Rapper

I would like to know how one goes about becoming a white girl rapper. There are so many of them now! I’m not even including white girls who just talk over the track — from the great Uffie to her lesser clone Ke$ha. There’s also Kreayshawn and her White Girl Mob crew, Kitty Pryde, the chick from Karmin, Iggy Azalea, etc etc.

I am already a writer, but I’ve grown bored of writing articles and scripts. I am already a hip hop fan, but I am bored of sitting on the sidelines while the pros lay down tracks. Therefore, I have decided to scrap my current career and go for it while it’s hot: I want to be a white girl rapper.

The job of white girl rapper seems great because to be a white girl rapper, you don’t even have to be good at rapping! You can and some are, but mostly it’s not required. It’s crazy! There’s hardly any job you can have wherein you don’t even have to excel at the basic premise of the job. There’s like, being a member of the Royal Family…and nothing else. You almost always have to be good at the thing to have it as a job. But not white girl rapping. You just have to talk and people are all, “SWAG.”

I would probably not be good at rapping so I am delighted to know this won’t even be a minor setback. In fact, it could be an asset. I can talk over the track with absolutely no flow or rhythm and my fans will defend me by saying I’m being ironic or that I’m making some sort of statement or meta-commentary on the rap game. Then, I will take a bubble bath in money in a bathtub made entirely of elephant parts. It will be awesome.

I think I’d also need to change my look to become a white girl rapper. Right now, mousey brown hair and glasses might work for the Girls crowd but it will not cut it for being a white girl rapper. I need to dye my dome some wacky colors and cut it into little spiked pieces. I need to put my septum piercing from freshman year of college back in and get some hipper clothes that don’t fit me correctly.

White girl rappers don’t wear Doctor Who graphic Ts. They wear like, cool ripped and faded jean shorts that don’t cover their buttocks and neon tops that are all open on the side to show their nipple rings. They have bling! Big, girly bling that says like, “Princess” or “P-ssy Queen” in rhinestones. Where can I get one of those? Do I order it online or is there some kind of “White Girl Rapper” emporium I could swing by? What would that set me back? My bank account is super low on account of not yet succeeding as a white girl rapper so…would Claire’s at the local mall be an option?

To be a white girl rapper, I also have to start talking a lot about the explicit stuff I do to men sexually. (I guess this applies to any rapper though. ‘sup Missy Elliott and Trina!) This will be empowering! Like Iggy Azalea raps in her song “P-ssy:” A.k.a. Titanic so much wet will have yo ass sinking / treat that tongue like a bullet / give me head, Abe Lincon. Pretty good lyrics.

Not to fear. I’m a writer. This is my wheelhouse. I’ll write a song called “I Broke Your D in Half, But You Broke My <3."

White girl rappers also always reference internet things like emoticons. Most of the currently successful ones were born in the last two decades so it’s a winky nod to this generation’s tech obsession. I can even get some kind of quirky ’90s reference in there like, I broke your d in half / you broke my heart / when I think about Camp You / it makes me wanna fart.

Guys, I am already so good at this. I’m two-thirds of the way there: I am a girl and this is possibly the whitest article I’ve ever written. On to the rapping!*

*A thing no rapper has ever said. TC Mark

image – Mike Cicchetti

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  • Nia

    This could have been funny. Can someone else re-write this?

    • michaelwg

      I’ve noticed that there are rare comments, the unicorns of comments, that elicit the physical urge to slap the commentor. Congratulations.

  • SLP

    Lol this is great. I’m glad i’m not the only person who thinks this way

  • Kevin M.

    You seem completely unaware that untalented rapping has been going on since the dawn of rap. Most artistic mediums have the problem of inviting crude imitations. Rap/pop music is limited by the fact that people dont care about good rap or lyrics. But as you were! I’m ready for your first single!

    • http://gabydunnthoughtcatalog.wordpress.com Gaby Dunn

      I would never! I hope people know this is a joke. I’ll leave rapping to the pros.

      • Kevin M.

        Oh no the sarcasm was rather obvious! I was just pointing out an underlying issue i had with the sarcasm.

  • http://blu-bloggington.blogspot.com/ Nightfall914

    I appreciate the comedy in this as the female hip hop via the mainstream is very laughable. I’d direct anyone curious about a real lyrical “White Girl Rapper” see Persia.

    http://thehiphopdemocrat.com/2012/07/17/new-music-persia-drops-highly-anticipated-the-truth-mixtape/

    • http://gabydunnthoughtcatalog.wordpress.com Gaby Dunn

      Yeah! I’d love if people left good examples in the comments. Thanks for that!

  • robin

    i’m inclined to think you didn’t finish reading that NYT article which mentions at the end, albeit all too briefly, an artist named k.flay who stands apart from all the white girl rapper hype plaguing the music industry right now. she’s the only one out there right now doing it RIGHT.

    http://www.kflay.com

    • http://gabydunnthoughtcatalog.wordpress.com Gaby Dunn

      I saw her and I salute her!

  • jim-lad

    You can’t go wrong with Dessa.

    • http://twitter.com/alisonwisneski alisonwisneski (@alisonwisneski)

      PREACH

  • Maggie

    I have a great love for Northern State, who are kind of the Beastie Boys of white girl rappers.

  • michaelwg

    I support you, and will most def throw down some skrilla on yo shit
    I don’t even know what any of that means. But I think it’s a good thing?

  • a

    you tried

  • Francesca

    Um, what about K.Flay?! – one of the best white female rappers out there right now…

  • noeco

    you’re the funniest.. thanks for this

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  • Thought Catalog

    Reblogged this on My online diary and commented:
    thats also my dream :D

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