Gabby Douglas For President
By Gaby Dunn
Gabrielle Douglas is the little gymnast that could. At only 16 years old, she’s leading the US Olympic Women’s Gymnastics team to golden glory and just all-around being awesome. She’s got poise and composure and talent beyond her years and for those of us following the Olympics, she’s been a pleasure to watch.
When I heard there was a new Ga(b)by D. in town, I was skeptical. But girl has lived up to the name. She’s made Gab(b)y D.’s everywhere, like myself, proud as hell. I’m worried that once the London fervor dies down, we won’t get to see as much Gabby D. on our TV screens. That’s a bummer. I thought it’d be in everyone’s best interests to come up with some ideas for Gabby Douglas’s life once the Games are over. After all, someone that cool shouldn’t just end up on Dancing With The Stars. Don’t do it, fellow Gabby. I’m here to help.
Here are some ideas for Gabby Douglas’s career post-Olympics.
1. Presidential Run
We’re already a post-racial political society (erm, what does that even mean?) and so thanks to Barack Obama, one barrier’s been broken down. You thought a black President was neat? Wait until you see a black, female, AND teenage President. She loves foreign policy — and Justin Bieber! (He’s Canadian! LOL!) It’s like a wacky comedy waiting to happen. Someone get this script to Hollywood. It can star, I don’t know, maybe Keke Palmer as Gabby Douglas.
We already know Gabby is calm and collected under pressure (uh, a million bazillion eyes on you as you compete is enough to crack anyone). We know she’s traveled internationally. We know she’s super dedicated and ambitious. She’s basically got everything we need in this dire economy. Except for that pesky age rule, Gabby Douglas would be an awesome presidential candidate.
2. Motivational Speaking Career
How many of us lazy dipheads are just sitting on our couches munching on Doritos and criticizing the Olympics coverage on Facebook? We’re all doing nothing with our lives!
But look at Gabby Douglas! She’s only 16 years old and she’s already a goddamn champion. If that doesn’t make you feel like poop on a stick, I don’t know what will. So here’s what I’m thinking: Gabby Douglas goes on a motivational speaking tour across the United States. She brings us the tough love: telling us there’s no excuse not to go out and live our dreams.
Ex: “What’s that? You’re having trouble getting organized enough to make the short film you want to make? Well, when I was a freakin’ fetus I woke up at the buttcrack of dawn every morning, drank a protein smoothie of egg whites and rusty nails and hit the uneven bars for five hours until I had my routine down perfectly. If I didn’t get it right, my coach would lock me in the Chokey and give my mother paper cuts until I had it down flawlessly. When I was eight years old I won the Virginia State Championships while you were playing Barbies with your weird neighbor friend. Get up off your lard-y ass and make your stupid movie, you filthy waste of breathable air.”
3. The Circus
There’s already a meme going around calling the jumping, flexible Gabby Douglas “a flying squirrel” so why not take that act on the road? The uneven bars aren’t that different from the trapeze and Barnum and Bailey would sell out faster than a One Direction gay porn video if they advertized Gabby Douglas was in the show.
It makes sense. The girl loves to travel and she’d get to keep doing her act, without having to wait four years between Olympic Games. She’s young enough to compete again when the next Olympics happen, so we want to make sure our little golden child stays in shape. What better way than by training with the athletes at the big top?
4. Talk Show Host
Oprah’s off the air. Ellen’s drowned herself in Youtube celebs. Wendy Williams is coo-coo bananas. There’s a niche market for a smart, fun talk show for young women. Gabby Douglas could host that talk show!
She’d make her guests do the balance beam while she interviewed them or put musical acts through a rigorous floor routine set to their albums. It’d be just as entertaining as the weird gimmicks Jimmy Fallon puts his guests through — perhaps even more charming. Better still, Gabby Douglas is young, hip and relevant. Her show could be on a channel like MTV or G4. She could talk about sports and fitness as well as beauty and fashion. Working title? “Gabbin’ with Gabby Douglas.”
Whatever you chose to do after London, Gabby girl — please just don’t go on Dancing With The Stars. You’re better than that. Plus, you’ve brought so much legitimacy to Gab(b)ys everywhere. Don’t ruin it!