Wife Material Vol. 3: Kate Upton

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I have a very distinct type: weirdos and their ilk. Generally, the blonde conventionally attractive types do nothing for me. I like a good furry pair of eyebrows or a crooked smile. I understand that certain people are good-looking, but they absolutely do nothing for me. Kate Upton should be one of those people. And yet, I can’t look away from her shining, beautiful face. I’m chalking this up to her being — maybe not my type — but humanity’s type. I give up, guys. She’s just that irresistible and we are alllll shallow buttheads now. (Or at least for the next few minutes. Then, we can go back to being rational human beings.)

Name: Kate Upton

Age: 20

Occupation: Model, swimsuit connoisseur, nipple enthusiast, blonde bombshell, ruiner of athlete’s prowess (you know, because women have that affect on pro ball players, I guess).

Description: Kate Upton is a 20-year-old model from Florida who won Rookie of the Year in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in 2011. After her first appearance in the mag, a video of her dancing the “Dougie” at a Los Angeles Clippers game went crazy viral propelling Upton into internet stardom.

Upton is known for her insane good looks — she OOZES sex appeal and isn’t flat or stick-thin like other models — and for her kind of goofy charm. Another viral video she made, dancing the “Cat Daddy” for creepster photog Terry Richardson is simultaneously adorable, awkward and …sexy? That’s the thing that fascinates me about this girl. I can’t figure out if she’s purposefully being coy (likely) or if she’s just a big, confident weirdo in this hot chick’s body.

Benefits to Marriage: You’ve seen Kate Upton, right? I mean…look at her. Lady knows how to work a string bikini. I want to say something about objectification and all the bad it brings, but I just…can’t look away from her body.

I also don’t mean to be crass but she’s an award-winning equestrian so…you know, horseback riding. …Sorry. I know. I know. On top of that (pun intended?), she just always looks like she’s having the best time of her life. I haven’t seen one candid picture where she isn’t smiling like a maniac. She’s always dancing or running around or being silly. The basis of marriage is friendship, and Upton looks like she’d be a cool-ass friend. She seems ditzy, but at the same time kind of self-aware (when David Letterman said being a super model must be hard, Kate rolled her eyes and replied, “Sooo hard”).

Upton also knows the Internet — maintaining a Tumblr and Twitter feed and understanding what makes a good viral video. What? This isn’t a benefit of marriage to everyone? Huh.

Drawbacks: Because of her somewhat annoying voice and stunningly young age, some critics think Upton must be uh…less stimulating in the intellectual arenas. So okay, maybe she’s an airhead. Or maybe it’s a part she’s playing. Her job isn’t to be a biomedical engineer — it’s to look hot. I’d say if you’re looking for a brainy partner, Upton’s not your wife. But you knew that already.

Also, some idiots think Upton is fat but those are probably the same people who don’t understand the appeal of Christina Hendricks, and frankly, I do not want to know them.

You Must Be: Fun, kind of shallow, unreasonably attractive, probably rich, probably a professional athlete or rapper, silly, good at horseback riding, up on the latest hip-hop dance trends, did I mention a rich pro athlete?

The Dowry Kate Brings: LOOK AT HER. TC mark


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  • nightshaye

    Wow. Now theres an original article, just teeming with original thought…

  • http://twitter.com/EvWasLike Ev Junior (@EvWasLike)

    Am I in the minority in thinking that Kate Upton is ridiculously overrated? She has massive breasts, which are cool, I guess. The rest of her body is built like an anorexic 13 year old, though. I think her appeal is more a result of groupthink than anything. Maybe it’s just my inner negroid talking, but a girl needs some meat on her bones to be attractive.

    • S.Jones

      Anorexic?? Rlly

  • Nicole

    I went to graduated with Kate actually. She’s one of the coolest people ever, coming from a considerably small high school and town its all really surreal. Good for her, she deserves it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/vveneziani Vincent Veneziani

      Good to know you went to graduated with her.

  • http://gravatar.com/rickrizzle rickrizzle

    Kate Upton is cute. But these are the stupidest fucking articles i’ve ever read.

  • http://gravatar.com/carolyn carolyn

    hey hey now i liked it! i was hesitant before clicking on it because of the title but because it’s by no fun gaby dunn i read it and was not disappointed! you took a bland idea and made it into something interesting and fun to read

  • Christina

    I can’t believe people have critiqued her body. No way in hell is Kate Upton (or Christina Hendricks for that matter) fat. They have bodies, that’s natural and sexy.

  • http://twitter.com/meganfauxxxx meg (@meganfauxxxx)

    While I do agree that Kate Upton oozes sex appeal and seems like a super cool chick to hang around with (plus I can totally appreciate a body like that – I’ve watched her Cat Daddy video more times than I can count) there’s just a small fly in the ointment. This article has been written probably close to 25 times in the past month or so, so please, just skip Kate and let the rest of the internet obsess over her. Ditto for any article about Zooey Deschanel.

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