Thought Catalog

Possible Reactions When Your Parents Ask “Are You Dating Anybody?”

  • 0

Screech in horror.

Talk about your career accomplishments and how you’re “too busy” to date.

Make static-y and police siren noises into the phone and tell them you’re going into a tunnel. Then, hang up.

Similarly, throw your phone against the wall and run out of the room. If they ask in person, slowly back into a bush like this:

Send them a “photo” of your new beau but when they open it, it’s a screengrab of a Tumblr dashboard and a picture of a carton of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.

Say “yes” and then describe Andrew Garfield until they figure it out. “Well, he’s British and super cute.” to “He was just in the new Spiderman movie. No, not as an extra. …As Spiderman.” (This also works with Emma Stone, Donald Glover, Jon Hamm, Kate Upton etc etc.)

Tell them confidently that you will be dating someone as soon as you get the formula from Weird Science down pat.

Get a tattoo of the words “#ForeverAlone” on your forearm — and when they ask, roll up your sleeves.

Condescendingly tell them you’re continuing to be single as part of living performance art, commenting on the societal pressure to always be in a romantic relationship.

Flip the table. Storm out.

Proclaim you have five boyfriends named Liam, Harry, Louis, Zayn and Niall and you all live in a lovely polygamous house in Utah.

Immediately start talking and acting like it’s 1920 and you need them to make a match for you with your weird cousin like on Downton Abbey.

Transform into a bat and flap away into the night.

Bellow, “I am Loki, God of Mischief. I can not be contained by mere mortals! I must date among the Gods!”

Draw eyes and a mustache on a flask. “Kiss” your partner by drinking his sweet nectar of alcohol.

Create a life-size Japanese body pillow with a silkscreen of Benedict Cumberbatch (or another similarly attractive person) and bring it to the dinner table.

Reverse the guilt. Be like, “You created me. You saw my childhood. You know what’s up over here. What do you think?”

Stare them down and say, “Nope. Just getting boned on the reg.” Maintain uncomfortable eye contact.

Throw glitter in the air and prance away. (Also, a good way to come out of the closet if you’re looking for one.)

Sculpt a boyfriend out of delicious foods in front of their eyes.

Bring home a trucker/ex-con named Gus and say you got hitched. When they freak out, remind them that you being single isn’t so bad.

Spray them with mace.

Promise you will as soon as you find someone with the missing half of this golden amulet.

Put a top hat and monocle on a cat and introduce him as your betrothed, Mr. Darcy.

Crouch down and cover your head with your hands like during an elementary school tornado drill.

Say you’re waiting for the TARDIS, Amy Pond-style. Sing lines from Dr. Dre’s “I Need A Doctor.”

Toss a smoke bomb on the floor to blind them and disappear into a trap door.

Throw yourself through a glass window, because it’ll distract them and probably be less painful than answering that question. TC Mark

image – San Diego Air & Space Museum Archives
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More From Thought Catalog

  • Hannah

    I’m definetely trying this one the next time they ask me!
    “Sculpt a boyfriend out of delicious foods in front of their eyes.”

  • Jaime

    I must be the only person whose parents never ask. They must think it’s obvious that I’m not!

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/07/possible-reactions-when-your-parents-ask-%e2%80%9care-you-dating-anybody%e2%80%9d-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

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  • Charlyse

    gaby dunn you are the funniest !!

  • http://ashleyhmaas.com ashley

    this had me in tears. nicely done, gaby dunn.

  • Veronica

    A friend of mine recently suggested replying to the question “Are you still single?” with a bubbly smile and a “Yes, thank you for noticing!”

  • http://gravatar.com/xraelex xra

    go evpsych on them: “no mom, i can’t extract commitment from any of the alphas who have me in their rotation, gawd”

  • http://dogandponyshowwebsite.com/awesome-links-worlds-fattest-woman-uses-sex-to-lose-weight-simpsons-guest-star-stories-and-the-lady-gaga-of-dogs/ Awesome Links: World's Fattest Woman Uses Sex To Lose Weight, Simpsons Guest Star Stories, and The Lady Gaga of Dogs. - Dog and Pony Show

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  • Amy

    “I had you and Dad to show me what it’s like to be in a relationship. Do you really think I’m eager to hop on that train to nowhere?”

    • MM

      BA ZING.

      I think I might use the “Well, what do you think?” on acquaintances/family members that might ask.

  • http://burakkulalaland.blogspot.com Aleksandra

    Owh yes, the second one! Works every time~…

  • Maddie

    One of the best: Bellow, β€œI am Loki, God of Mischief. I can not be contained by mere mortals! I must date among the Gods!” ;)

  • ANon

    Bamford ref. I love you.

    Also, Stare them down and say, β€œNope. Just getting boned on the reg.” Maintain uncomfortable eye contact.

    Trying this next time…

  • http://adventuresofaspinster.wordpress.com adventuresofaspinster

    Reblogged this on adventuresofaspinster and commented:
    It won’t be long beffore I use them all…

  • Laceletters editor

    “Proclaim you have five boyfriends named Liam, Harry, Louis, Zayn and Niall and you all live in a lovely polygamous house in Utah.”
    This is fantastic

  • Lizzy

    “Stare them down and say, β€œNope. Just getting boned on the reg.” Maintain uncomfortable eye contact.”

    I’ve done this. Only I just said, “Mom, next time your friends asks if there’s a dude, just tell them I’m slutty.”

    My mom now regularly reminds me I’m a whore. Sometimes in front of people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/CoxyGirl Leah Cox

    β€œI am Loki, God of Mischief. I can not be contained by mere mortals! I must date among the Gods!”
    This one needs to be used.

  • http://mangopeels.wordpress.com quantumtheory

    this is real funny…
    homer simpson one was hilarious !!!

  • http://sunraespirit.wordpress.com sunraespirit

    haha, yeah i like backing into a bush really slowly :)

  • Luzia

    ‘Create a life-size Japanese body pillow with a silkscreen of Benedict Cumberbatch (or another similarly attractive person) and bring it to the dinner table.’

    I am dead.

  • http://gravatar.com/katieheller katieheller

    1D, Downton, and Benedict Cumberbatch mentions? Maybe we should just get married, Gaby, because you’re clearly my soulmate.

    • Jenn

      The three of us should get married and live in a lovely polygamous house in Utah.

  • Mac

    Doctor Who!!!

  • http://htmllovin.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/do-i-have-a-boyfriend-yes-actually-hes-spiderman-yes-i-know-its-awesome/ Do I have a boyfriend? Yes, actually, he’s Spiderman. Yes, I know, it’s awesome. « HTML Lovin'

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  • http://www.facebook.com/matt.decuir Matt Decuir

    Gonna get that tattoo.

  • Grumpleuffagus

    I laughed a lot at the first “single Tumblr girl” joke. A little at the second. By Benedict Cumberbatch silk-screen, I was stone-faced. Relying too much on the single-nerdy-Tumblr-girl thing gets old kinda fast. Tom Hiddleston, Garfs, Matt Smith, One Direction — you might as well get #shitTumblrgirlssay tattooed next to #ForeverAlone. NOT THAT I DIDN’T APPRECIATE THEM. Just, y’know. Varying it might be a stronger strategy.

  • YFIYW

    Wtf yes thank you!

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